It’s important to fully comprehend the assignment in the beginning. Start by thoroughly reading the essay prompt or instructor’s directions, making note of the primary goals and any special requirements. Take some time to come up with concepts and possible strategies for meeting the assignment’s requirements. After that, set aside time for material collection and study. Use reputable sources to conduct in-depth research on the essay’s subject, making careful notes on important details, quotations, and data to back its claims. As you proceed, concentrate on organizing and outlining the essay. Create an outline that outlines the essay’s structure, including the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, after coming up with a concise and well-reasoned thesis statement that summarizes the major point of contention. Make necessary revisions to the outline to guarantee that every part makes sense and adequately advances the argument. After laying the foundation, move on to the drafting and revision stages. Start writing the essay and expand each section according to the outline. Then, take regular breaks and go back to the manuscript to edit the language, coherence, and clarity. Check the essay for formatting, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. Consult mentors, instructors, or fellow students for input as the essay develops. Essays can be exchanged with peers or submitted for review; after receiving constructive criticism, revise the piece as needed. Make sure the essay satisfies all standards and is ready for submission by giving it one last read-through. Lastly, consider the editing process and the changes you made to the essay. Before turning in the final document, make sure the formatting, citations, and any other requirements mentioned by the assignment are checked twice. You can efficiently modify your essay by using this methodical technique, which will help you from understanding the topic to presenting a finished piece of work.
After meeting with my group for peer review, I gathered valuable insight on some of the important points that I need to focus on. The feedback that I got is to condense my sentences, so rather than having two long sentences maybe shorten or combine the sentences. One of my group members recommended I put the “so what” in my conclusion as it appears that my conclusion is kind of rephrasing my introduction. In one of my body paragraphs, I need to bring one of the author’s quotes back to the main idea of that paragraph which is about time. Some more feedback I got revolved around mentioning the term “interpersonal traits” early throughout the essay as I have presented this new phrase in the conclusion. Another thing I need to work on is providing more of the “I say” element in my body paragraphs and elaborating on the analysis to make my ideas clear. Lastly, they suggested I shorten some of the quotes I used, as not all of it is needed for the purpose of that paragraph’s focus. With this being said, this peer review collaboration has helped me recognize the aspects of my paper that I need to further develop or change in order to make it a stronger essay overall.
There are a handful of small things that my peers brought up during peer review today that I can work on in the next couple of days. I still need to work out a conclusion for my essay and get into where I want to be in the word count. Some other things that I can do is try to find some more background on Carr for the intro because I have a lot for Turkle and just “author” for Carr. I will also get into my main idea a little sooner in the intro paragraph than what I have now. I have a personal connection in one body paragraph, but my peers liked it and recommended that I do it more often. I should put some Carr in the current last paragraph, if not a quote, then at least his ideas. I should make some of my topic sentences a little more in detail and less broad: I should elaborate more into my point. I was told that I have good closing sentences to my body paragraphs, but they leave a little too much to think about so I can elaborate on what I say there a little more so as to not leave the reader wondering when I talk about another point. They also brought up one of my Carr quotes may not be exactly the one I’m looking for: it’s part of the way there but doesn’t deliver my claim as well as something else could so I will look into finding another quote that may fit better. I will read through my essay a few times to brush up on anything small as well.
After the peer review process, I was given many points and ideas to think about adding to my paper to either make my argument stronger or to keep the reader interested. One idea that was given to me was to first give a little more context to the author’s arguments and what they believe. I was also given that I could add more of my own experiences to the paper and weigh in on what I think regarding the author’s quotes and how I feel about them. Some examples I was given were to add possible statistics and stories on how maintaining focus has become a lot harder than when technology didn’t have such an impact on everyday life. I was also given the idea that I could offer the reader some potential solutions to being overrun with technology. Adding steps to help, or promoting and regulating proper online behavior would aid with that. One minor thing that I was given was my word choice, I repeat some words a lot, so changing those out would make the paper seem less robotic. I need to work on my conclusion, and I was given some ideas for that. I can give my key takeaways and summarize what I had talked about prior, adding in food for the reader’s thought on how the shifts in human behavior are affected and can be fixed.
To start off with, it was mentioned in our discussion that my first sentence needs to be stronger. I want to go back and make a better hook and more complex first sentence. I need to draw the reader in with a clear sentence that is easy to read and digest. I also need to rework my first body paragraph. Anjana pointed out that my quotes are talking about two different things, like I am trying to compare apples to oranges. I want to go back and truly think about the point I am trying to make and figure out how to better relate these two quotes. Maybe I need to find better quotes that are more related or better explain how I think they are related. It was also brought to my attention in our discussion that I should add more personal anecdotes to my essay. This will add to my credibility to talk about the subject and make it a more impactful argument. I also need to add my conclusion to the end of my essay. I have not yet written my conclusion, so I need to sit down and do that. Also I cannot forget to include citations in MLA format, which I have not added either. I want to go back over every comment made on my draft and contemplate what was being said. I want to incorporate some of my peers suggestions into my final draft.
In my next draft, I want to make sure that I introduce the two authors I am writing about in a clear way, to make it easier for the reader to understand. I need to set up the ideas they present in their essays, while also establishing who they are on a personal level. For my body paragraphs, I need to analyze my quotes with more detail, while also tying it into my own personal beliefs. Too often in my paper I am just writing the “they say” for Kevin Kelley and Sherry Turkle. I need to incorporate more “I say” into my paper. When using the barclays format I often compare how both authors agree or disagree with one another. Now I need to add to that, and incorporate whether I agree, disagree, or am somewhere in the middle with the authors. Going forward I need to brush up on some of the quotes that I use from Kelley and Turkle’s work. I need to make sure that those quotes, and the way I introduce and analyze them, fully relate to my topic sentence, and on a larger scale, my thesis. On a proofreading level, there are definitely some sentences where I can rework them to sound better, and further my argument in a clearer way. Additionally, I need to go over the MLA format, and make sure that I have incorporated all of the requirements such as page numbering, works cited, title, etc…
After working in my peer review group, I found it very helpful. When working on the comments received on my essay, we came up with all the ways to help improve this essay. The main points I plan on focusing on are as follows. Reword opening sentence to not question. Introduce authors: add background information on both the authors so readers have an understanding of who they are reading views about. Final sentence in the 2nd paragraph goes before: seems the final sentence will fit better in a few sentences before the last sentence. Word on quote citing: when introducing the quotes. Develop sentences (replace think and act): reworking sentence structure and words to elaborate. Elaborate more in the paragraph with “I believe with Carr…”. Rearrange sentences in 2nd body paragraph: Save i say to after both quotes. 2nd – 3rd page: tie into technology and incorporate cognitive ability. The Internet gives false info= cut it out not as relevant in my paragraph or essay. Work on how my essay is structured so it flows better. Rework some quotes and analysis that goes along with it. Add more I say and personal connections to quotes used. Explain how I resonate with the author’s views. After working with my group, I feel I have a better understanding on how to rework my essay in a positive way.
Firstly, I think I really need to attend to reworking my thesis statement. I’ve learned that while I may have a developed idea of what I want to talk about, and that what I say matches the aspect of the paper adequately, it is truly a matter of pinpointing the exact aim of what the following words convey. For example, I need to state that while I understand Anderson’s viewpoint, I agree much more with the aspect of Carr. Additionally, I will be working on enhancing the “They say” to my “I say,” especially with the first paragraph. Additionally, I need to work on “Real estate” concerning my thoughts when it comes to the introduction and the main body paragraphs. There is a lot of filler in the hook of my introduction that should be condensed. More-so, I will work to condense my “I say” in the second Barclay’s paragraph. While I do talk a lot about the elementary education system, and while my paper is essentially over the generational aspect of technological use, there could be much more said about the “what do we do now” part of my paragraph. This is especially useful as I move into my conclusory paragraph, since this is summing up the entirety of what I discuss; positing my opinion on such solutions.
After hearing my peers go over my essay I’m feeling confident for where I’m currently at in this essay. My goal for the remainder of our project is to make my story sound more smooth for the reader. I feel like when it comes to my word choice in this writing it was much better than my first essay. I just need it to flow better. I also could give the two authors more credibility for their work. They are not just writers but they are scientists who have done years of technology on this study and should be recognized for it. Not only that, I want to get into more depth with my explanations as well. I have decent reasonings after using the citations but I could dig deeper so I can really get my point across to the reader. Luckily I have until Friday so I can give myself time and not feel rushed when it comes to finishing this essay. Overall I’m confident for where I’m currently at and very excited to see the overall outcome of my point im trying to get across to the reader.
When revising my paper the first thing that I will be doing is looking back on the comments left by Cote, Anjana, and Rique. Taking into consideration what they had to say, I will definitely be working towards adding a little more of what *I* say. While I seem to have a good foundation, I should incorporate more “evidence” (like personal experiences) in order to really make what I have to say concrete. I am going to work on making some of my writing more concise and organized, specifically in the body paragraphs, as well as adding a little bit more background on the authors I’m writing about. By doing so, I will be able to more clearly and swiftly demonstrate my position in contrast to Anderson and Kelley. I believe I do a good job at analyzing the two authors, it really comes down to showing the contrast between the two as well as adding my own “take,” so to say. Another thing that I was already planning on doing was just making sure that I actually add the works to my works cited page!
This was very useful today going over my essay as a draft. I met with Anjana and I thought that went very well and we met to talk about my thesis. I think the thesis is very important to set a base for the essay and get a few big points that I will be talking about. A few things I could do in the intro is introduce the authors and their ideas, and this is where I start to make some claims and arguments and I can focus on what they say vs what I say. Going into the body paragraphs I can start to bring in more experiences and some things that have happened to me and I can compare what I have ben through or seen with Carr and Turkle and how they relate to what I have to say or been through. Another important part that helped during the refletcion was the feedback on my body paragraphs they talked bringing back my main points and highlighting more of the negatives swell as the positives.
Highlight the negative impacts of technology a bit more / connect back to the thesis good vs bad
Reinforcing and bringing back the key points in the conclusion
Bring in another quote in body paragraph two.
Add about empathy towards the end of the second paragraph.
Bring in solutions or negatives about the future and how we can fix it
Beckett spoke about how I could strengthen my introduction paragraph by weighing in on each authors articles concisely. I could briefly summarize their main points to give reader some context to what they are going to be reading. I wrote in my introduction about how each other made “interesting points”. I could expand on these interesting points and explain what they are and possible what I think about them. To expand I could use the “I” voice more when responding to what quotations mean to me, i could also add real world experiences to solidify points. In my body paragraphs I touch on how technology is affecting the younger generations. I could add my experience with the younger generations, and what I personally think snd see when kids get their hands on technology. I could try to pull on Turkle some more, due to Turkle mentioning younger generations in her article. I also talked about the point of “reclaiming conversation” but I left it at that. I could add actionable steps on how we can reclaim conversation by weighing in on Turkle. I need to add my Sam Anderson paragraph, and Haley said I could transition to that paragraph smoothly by leaning into the benefits on technology. I talked about my experience with the lockdown and how my phone was the only way out of the house. I could weigh in on how technology made it possible for me even to connect with people outside of my house.
Jack Thurmond
Professor Jesse Miller
ENG 110
Mar 27, 2024
Itinerary of things to work on
The first thing that I want to work on even though it is straightforward is repeating my words too often as it leads my work to come off as repetitive. This is a simple fix and I am confident that I can fix it by rereading my work and finding similes for words such as both that I use too often.
Another thing I would like to work on is moving some of my analysis up so it is directly behind quotes in order to give more context to my quotes. This will also add credibility to my writing and make it sound stronger.
One thing I would also like to attend to is giving more context in the intro to what the texts I will be talking about consist of. I believe I do a good job introducing both authors but I lack an introduction of the papers themselves.
The last major thing I would like to work on in my essay is using more of my own life experiences to explain my points of why I have certant opinions. I think this will make my essay sound better and add to its stregth as well as credibility.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 18”
It’s important to fully comprehend the assignment in the beginning. Start by thoroughly reading the essay prompt or instructor’s directions, making note of the primary goals and any special requirements. Take some time to come up with concepts and possible strategies for meeting the assignment’s requirements. After that, set aside time for material collection and study. Use reputable sources to conduct in-depth research on the essay’s subject, making careful notes on important details, quotations, and data to back its claims. As you proceed, concentrate on organizing and outlining the essay. Create an outline that outlines the essay’s structure, including the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, after coming up with a concise and well-reasoned thesis statement that summarizes the major point of contention. Make necessary revisions to the outline to guarantee that every part makes sense and adequately advances the argument. After laying the foundation, move on to the drafting and revision stages. Start writing the essay and expand each section according to the outline. Then, take regular breaks and go back to the manuscript to edit the language, coherence, and clarity. Check the essay for formatting, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. Consult mentors, instructors, or fellow students for input as the essay develops. Essays can be exchanged with peers or submitted for review; after receiving constructive criticism, revise the piece as needed. Make sure the essay satisfies all standards and is ready for submission by giving it one last read-through. Lastly, consider the editing process and the changes you made to the essay. Before turning in the final document, make sure the formatting, citations, and any other requirements mentioned by the assignment are checked twice. You can efficiently modify your essay by using this methodical technique, which will help you from understanding the topic to presenting a finished piece of work.
After meeting with my group for peer review, I gathered valuable insight on some of the important points that I need to focus on. The feedback that I got is to condense my sentences, so rather than having two long sentences maybe shorten or combine the sentences. One of my group members recommended I put the “so what” in my conclusion as it appears that my conclusion is kind of rephrasing my introduction. In one of my body paragraphs, I need to bring one of the author’s quotes back to the main idea of that paragraph which is about time. Some more feedback I got revolved around mentioning the term “interpersonal traits” early throughout the essay as I have presented this new phrase in the conclusion. Another thing I need to work on is providing more of the “I say” element in my body paragraphs and elaborating on the analysis to make my ideas clear. Lastly, they suggested I shorten some of the quotes I used, as not all of it is needed for the purpose of that paragraph’s focus. With this being said, this peer review collaboration has helped me recognize the aspects of my paper that I need to further develop or change in order to make it a stronger essay overall.
There are a handful of small things that my peers brought up during peer review today that I can work on in the next couple of days. I still need to work out a conclusion for my essay and get into where I want to be in the word count. Some other things that I can do is try to find some more background on Carr for the intro because I have a lot for Turkle and just “author” for Carr. I will also get into my main idea a little sooner in the intro paragraph than what I have now. I have a personal connection in one body paragraph, but my peers liked it and recommended that I do it more often. I should put some Carr in the current last paragraph, if not a quote, then at least his ideas. I should make some of my topic sentences a little more in detail and less broad: I should elaborate more into my point. I was told that I have good closing sentences to my body paragraphs, but they leave a little too much to think about so I can elaborate on what I say there a little more so as to not leave the reader wondering when I talk about another point. They also brought up one of my Carr quotes may not be exactly the one I’m looking for: it’s part of the way there but doesn’t deliver my claim as well as something else could so I will look into finding another quote that may fit better. I will read through my essay a few times to brush up on anything small as well.
After the peer review process, I was given many points and ideas to think about adding to my paper to either make my argument stronger or to keep the reader interested. One idea that was given to me was to first give a little more context to the author’s arguments and what they believe. I was also given that I could add more of my own experiences to the paper and weigh in on what I think regarding the author’s quotes and how I feel about them. Some examples I was given were to add possible statistics and stories on how maintaining focus has become a lot harder than when technology didn’t have such an impact on everyday life. I was also given the idea that I could offer the reader some potential solutions to being overrun with technology. Adding steps to help, or promoting and regulating proper online behavior would aid with that. One minor thing that I was given was my word choice, I repeat some words a lot, so changing those out would make the paper seem less robotic. I need to work on my conclusion, and I was given some ideas for that. I can give my key takeaways and summarize what I had talked about prior, adding in food for the reader’s thought on how the shifts in human behavior are affected and can be fixed.
To start off with, it was mentioned in our discussion that my first sentence needs to be stronger. I want to go back and make a better hook and more complex first sentence. I need to draw the reader in with a clear sentence that is easy to read and digest. I also need to rework my first body paragraph. Anjana pointed out that my quotes are talking about two different things, like I am trying to compare apples to oranges. I want to go back and truly think about the point I am trying to make and figure out how to better relate these two quotes. Maybe I need to find better quotes that are more related or better explain how I think they are related. It was also brought to my attention in our discussion that I should add more personal anecdotes to my essay. This will add to my credibility to talk about the subject and make it a more impactful argument. I also need to add my conclusion to the end of my essay. I have not yet written my conclusion, so I need to sit down and do that. Also I cannot forget to include citations in MLA format, which I have not added either. I want to go back over every comment made on my draft and contemplate what was being said. I want to incorporate some of my peers suggestions into my final draft.
In my next draft, I want to make sure that I introduce the two authors I am writing about in a clear way, to make it easier for the reader to understand. I need to set up the ideas they present in their essays, while also establishing who they are on a personal level. For my body paragraphs, I need to analyze my quotes with more detail, while also tying it into my own personal beliefs. Too often in my paper I am just writing the “they say” for Kevin Kelley and Sherry Turkle. I need to incorporate more “I say” into my paper. When using the barclays format I often compare how both authors agree or disagree with one another. Now I need to add to that, and incorporate whether I agree, disagree, or am somewhere in the middle with the authors. Going forward I need to brush up on some of the quotes that I use from Kelley and Turkle’s work. I need to make sure that those quotes, and the way I introduce and analyze them, fully relate to my topic sentence, and on a larger scale, my thesis. On a proofreading level, there are definitely some sentences where I can rework them to sound better, and further my argument in a clearer way. Additionally, I need to go over the MLA format, and make sure that I have incorporated all of the requirements such as page numbering, works cited, title, etc…
After working in my peer review group, I found it very helpful. When working on the comments received on my essay, we came up with all the ways to help improve this essay. The main points I plan on focusing on are as follows. Reword opening sentence to not question. Introduce authors: add background information on both the authors so readers have an understanding of who they are reading views about. Final sentence in the 2nd paragraph goes before: seems the final sentence will fit better in a few sentences before the last sentence. Word on quote citing: when introducing the quotes. Develop sentences (replace think and act): reworking sentence structure and words to elaborate. Elaborate more in the paragraph with “I believe with Carr…”. Rearrange sentences in 2nd body paragraph: Save i say to after both quotes. 2nd – 3rd page: tie into technology and incorporate cognitive ability. The Internet gives false info= cut it out not as relevant in my paragraph or essay. Work on how my essay is structured so it flows better. Rework some quotes and analysis that goes along with it. Add more I say and personal connections to quotes used. Explain how I resonate with the author’s views. After working with my group, I feel I have a better understanding on how to rework my essay in a positive way.
Firstly, I think I really need to attend to reworking my thesis statement. I’ve learned that while I may have a developed idea of what I want to talk about, and that what I say matches the aspect of the paper adequately, it is truly a matter of pinpointing the exact aim of what the following words convey. For example, I need to state that while I understand Anderson’s viewpoint, I agree much more with the aspect of Carr. Additionally, I will be working on enhancing the “They say” to my “I say,” especially with the first paragraph. Additionally, I need to work on “Real estate” concerning my thoughts when it comes to the introduction and the main body paragraphs. There is a lot of filler in the hook of my introduction that should be condensed. More-so, I will work to condense my “I say” in the second Barclay’s paragraph. While I do talk a lot about the elementary education system, and while my paper is essentially over the generational aspect of technological use, there could be much more said about the “what do we do now” part of my paragraph. This is especially useful as I move into my conclusory paragraph, since this is summing up the entirety of what I discuss; positing my opinion on such solutions.
After hearing my peers go over my essay I’m feeling confident for where I’m currently at in this essay. My goal for the remainder of our project is to make my story sound more smooth for the reader. I feel like when it comes to my word choice in this writing it was much better than my first essay. I just need it to flow better. I also could give the two authors more credibility for their work. They are not just writers but they are scientists who have done years of technology on this study and should be recognized for it. Not only that, I want to get into more depth with my explanations as well. I have decent reasonings after using the citations but I could dig deeper so I can really get my point across to the reader. Luckily I have until Friday so I can give myself time and not feel rushed when it comes to finishing this essay. Overall I’m confident for where I’m currently at and very excited to see the overall outcome of my point im trying to get across to the reader.
When revising my paper the first thing that I will be doing is looking back on the comments left by Cote, Anjana, and Rique. Taking into consideration what they had to say, I will definitely be working towards adding a little more of what *I* say. While I seem to have a good foundation, I should incorporate more “evidence” (like personal experiences) in order to really make what I have to say concrete. I am going to work on making some of my writing more concise and organized, specifically in the body paragraphs, as well as adding a little bit more background on the authors I’m writing about. By doing so, I will be able to more clearly and swiftly demonstrate my position in contrast to Anderson and Kelley. I believe I do a good job at analyzing the two authors, it really comes down to showing the contrast between the two as well as adding my own “take,” so to say. Another thing that I was already planning on doing was just making sure that I actually add the works to my works cited page!
This was very useful today going over my essay as a draft. I met with Anjana and I thought that went very well and we met to talk about my thesis. I think the thesis is very important to set a base for the essay and get a few big points that I will be talking about. A few things I could do in the intro is introduce the authors and their ideas, and this is where I start to make some claims and arguments and I can focus on what they say vs what I say. Going into the body paragraphs I can start to bring in more experiences and some things that have happened to me and I can compare what I have ben through or seen with Carr and Turkle and how they relate to what I have to say or been through. Another important part that helped during the refletcion was the feedback on my body paragraphs they talked bringing back my main points and highlighting more of the negatives swell as the positives.
Highlight the negative impacts of technology a bit more / connect back to the thesis good vs bad
Reinforcing and bringing back the key points in the conclusion
Bring in another quote in body paragraph two.
Add about empathy towards the end of the second paragraph.
Bring in solutions or negatives about the future and how we can fix it
Itinerary
Beckett spoke about how I could strengthen my introduction paragraph by weighing in on each authors articles concisely. I could briefly summarize their main points to give reader some context to what they are going to be reading. I wrote in my introduction about how each other made “interesting points”. I could expand on these interesting points and explain what they are and possible what I think about them. To expand I could use the “I” voice more when responding to what quotations mean to me, i could also add real world experiences to solidify points. In my body paragraphs I touch on how technology is affecting the younger generations. I could add my experience with the younger generations, and what I personally think snd see when kids get their hands on technology. I could try to pull on Turkle some more, due to Turkle mentioning younger generations in her article. I also talked about the point of “reclaiming conversation” but I left it at that. I could add actionable steps on how we can reclaim conversation by weighing in on Turkle. I need to add my Sam Anderson paragraph, and Haley said I could transition to that paragraph smoothly by leaning into the benefits on technology. I talked about my experience with the lockdown and how my phone was the only way out of the house. I could weigh in on how technology made it possible for me even to connect with people outside of my house.
Jack Thurmond
Professor Jesse Miller
ENG 110
Mar 27, 2024
Itinerary of things to work on
The first thing that I want to work on even though it is straightforward is repeating my words too often as it leads my work to come off as repetitive. This is a simple fix and I am confident that I can fix it by rereading my work and finding similes for words such as both that I use too often.
Another thing I would like to work on is moving some of my analysis up so it is directly behind quotes in order to give more context to my quotes. This will also add credibility to my writing and make it sound stronger.
One thing I would also like to attend to is giving more context in the intro to what the texts I will be talking about consist of. I believe I do a good job introducing both authors but I lack an introduction of the papers themselves.
The last major thing I would like to work on in my essay is using more of my own life experiences to explain my points of why I have certant opinions. I think this will make my essay sound better and add to its stregth as well as credibility.