My main focus of the revision process is working on my conclusion. I want to wrap up my thoughts a bit more and relate my thoughts back to my thesis and the authors. My introduction is really clear, so there isn’t much to revise. I can work on my quote introductions because some appear to be a little abrupt or there isn’t enough context to get a good grasp on the topic. I was given some pointers in the peer review process to play more into certain areas of my writing. I was told I should add more about one of my authors to give them more of a voice and connect them to my viewpoints. My reviewers said I could write more about the possible solutions to some of the problems I talk about in my writing like screen time and AI in schools. They also said there are points in my writing where I can talk about mental health and the effects technology had during the COVID-19 pandemic on children and myself. Most of the work I need to do other than my conclusion is just minor additions to help aid my writing and make it clearer to the reader.
After talking with my peers I think that their comments really will help make my final draft be where I want it to be. For my body paragraph I want to dig a little bit more into my thesis and what the essay is really talking about. I talked about it in my first introduction paragraph but I could move into my second body paragraph instead. Getting into my body paragraphs I really want to try and use true Barclays format. When I write I tend to focus on just the writing part and when I’m finally done break down my work and edit it. In my second body paragraph I want to try and bring up why Jack was stressing about his phone exactly. I talk about it for sure but I would like to get more In depth. Not only that in the same paragraph I’d like to move my opinion of what turtles is talking about after my citation. My big focus is going to be my conclusion paragraph. I really want to be able to bring my whole writing together and keep the readers attention the entire essay.
One of the first things I will be addressing when we come to the revision process will be controlling the redundancy of my words. For example, after I include Finn’s example in my first Barclay’s formula paragraph, I use the word “brain-rotting” twice. I will try to fix how I describe Finn’s essay so that it comes off naturally with better flow. Additionally, as pointed out by Libby, I think it would be very important to omit Finn’s influence from my second Barclay’s paragraph when I talk about Liv’s article. I agree that including him would take away from Liv’s section, which makes what she says regarding how she feels about technology’s effects on kids. I also think that I should rework some of my claims to include how I feel about a particular subject. To elaborate, I will be explaining more about how I feel in the first Barclay’s formula when I talk about not being able to connect with the younger generations at my family events. I will be doing this by including an example with my nephew, explaining how I usually find myself playing his favorite game to bond with him, as he is not one for conversation. I feel like this idea also seamlessly goes along with Finn’s example, and how technology is becoming the glue to our cognitive functions.
One thing I need to focus on is going back and fixing all the nitpicky things. I need to do the editorial work and make sure all my sentences are complete, make sense, and portray my points in the most effective way. I also need to include more background on Turkle, specifically what she studies and has her degrees in. I want to add more about each of my peers and introduce their works better. I want to add more background, so the reader understands better. Cote also recommended I restructure the first sentence in my second introduction paragraph. Wes brought up that I should check how many times I say the word “means” after a quote and when describing it. This was something I did not even realize I did a lot. I need to better introduce my ideas of the second body paragraph before diving right in. I want to elaborate more on my experience with TikTok and how it has shaped me. I think a personal anecdote would be good here. Finally, I need to write my conclusion, making sure I bring all three authors into it in a seamless way. I want to be able to wrap up my thoughts in a meaningful way and leave the reader with something to think about.
I have felt like the peer review has been very helpful for the past three projects. For this specific project, I need to focus on my “I say.” My peers told me that I should have some more personal connections to the quotes that I use. I can say more often whether I agree or disagree with what is being said. I was also told that I could include some solutions to the problems that I talk about. Most of the review I got back was about “I say.” A few other things were some small structural things, move this sentence up a bit and elaborate a little more. I could also include in my intro some of the things we have focused on this year in this class and how we have gotten to this point and this project. I need to write a conclusion. I was told that my last body paragraph tied into my thesis well so I need to make sure my thesis does as well. I was told that I could mention Turkle’s thoughts one more time, not as a quote but just to reiterate her opinions because she’s the one that I agree with the most.
We read my essay in class so it was a lot of the same edits which I think is ok. I think a big thing that helped was reading out loud, hearing yourself and what you wrote. That was big for me because it helped me find the right wording as well as identify run on sentences. A few things in the intro paragraph that will definitely help me figure out the body paragraphs is the thesis. If I get a grip of the thesis and reference the other authors as well and summarize, I think that will set me up well for the body paragraphs. A few bigger points in the other paragraphs are added in my own ideas. I think I could do more agreeing and disagreeing, and that is how I can tie in quotes. Also expanding on some ideas as well as connecting two ideas together. This helps form a foundation to start my second and third body paragraphs. I bring up a few important topics, but I do not really go into depth on them. This ties into my thesis and I could relate back to that in my conclusion which I have trouble with. Overall I think this peer review helped again and the reading out loud helped when it comes to just simple things.
When I go to revise my final draft of my essay I will look to separate the sentences that I need versus those that are unnecessary and repetitive. Oftentimes, as my peers pointed out I repeat myself and draw out ideas that don’t need that level of specificity. Additionally, I need to add more context into certain places. I have to remember that the person reading this essay might not have read Carr or Arvidson or Thurmond’s essays so I can’t expect them to understand my argument based on the context of their writings. Also, when comparing two authors I should incorporate the barclays format of doing so into it more often. The barclays format is a great way of comparing two author’s writings and I need to do that more. For some of the quotes I need to add more analysis, and make it easier for the reader to follow along with my ideas and arguments. I need to add more “so what” into my essay. What is the domino effect of our addiction to digital technology, and our increased usage of it? Ultimately, my priority going forward is to eliminate redundancy. There were many comments in my peer review group about how I’m saying similar things to what I’ve already mentioned.
After talking with my group for peer review we reviewed many suggestions to help my essay. Some comments that were mentioned were about my introduction paragraph. The comments for my introduction paragraph are “the popular…” We talked to describe the type of technology like key symbols of technology. Some other comments we talked about bringing up Carr first while more in-depth. Also “Therefore” sentence in the introduction should be put after the introduction of Liv instead of before talking about her. We also talked about general suggestions to concise the length of the intro and take out some non-important information. Also, consider 2 separate intro paragraphs instead of just one monster paragraph. Then finally for the intro to add personal touches to the thesis. For the body paragraphs, we said to overall work on more elaboration. We talked about the following:
Breaking down more to make it sense
2nd para: quote explain quote explain then both
Make the second body paragraph smaller so it’s not so long and lengthy
Reword intro to Carr in the second paragraph to have a flow into later and past paragraphs
Introduce Liv a bit more before her quote
Digital calendars are explained later too
Add more I say in Liv and Carr para
When going back and editing my essay, there are many aspects that I will work on. While Ella and Matt think my first paragraph is too long, I don’t whole heartedly agree; however, I will work on making it more concise so it feels consistent and focused. I also want to think about making the “I” in my paper even stronger, as some of my thoughts kind of trail off and blend into the author’s (but not in the comparative way, in the I-forgot-what-I-was-saying way). There are a couple of topic sentences that I want to look at and revise, as well as adding some more analysis to my third body paragraph, pulling more out from the authors themselves. Doing so will give me more to “play” and work within my “I” say. Lastly, I think working a little bit more on flow and reading some sentences out loud to make sure that they are able to stand on their own, as well as sound clean and organized.
After the peer review, I have come up with a good itinerary for things to review to complete my writing process. One simple thing I would like to focus on is getting rid of simple extra words that I add to my writing. They come across as unnecessary and take away from the strength of my writing. Another simple fix for me would be to combine some sentences or get rid of excess sentences. I find that I have some sentences that are similar or if I combined them they would be way stronger together and help my point get across. I also want to find similies for words that come up too frequently in my writing so it doesn’t sound repetitive or lazy. All these simple fixes seem small but if I do all of them it will significantly improve my writing and make it sound way stronger. One bigger fix I am considering is referencing Turkle’s work more in my paper as she is the main author and has the most concrete points. I feel like I am lacking in her involvement and with adding more from her in will add credibility to my writing. With all of these fixes, I am confident my writing will sound significantly better and it will lead my to success on this project.
After meeting with my peer review group, they were all very insightful on what I can improve on. Therefore, I was really able to gauge what points I needed to pay attention to in my essay in order to build a stronger paper. Overall, I need to primarily focus on elaboration and rephrasing sentences to make sure they are complete during the revision process.
Things to work on:
– Rephrasing second sentence in intro.
– Elaborating more on a sentence in the first paragraph about technology’s effect on social ability.
– Add more in the second paragraph about what meaningful relationships entails.
– More elaboration on my thoughts about Briggs ideas in paragraph two.
– Add more detail about the difference of face-to-face conversations and social media conversations.
– Possibly consider dividing body paragraphs into two.
– Elaborate more on what crucial skills I am referring to in paragraph three.
– Incorporate second sentence into previous sentence or add more to that sentence in the beginning of the third paragraph.
– Add metacommentary or elaborate more on a sentence in the third paragraph.
– Change the first word in the paragraphs so they all don’t begin with “technology.
– Expand on what social skills are being impacted in the conclusion.
11 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 25”
My main focus of the revision process is working on my conclusion. I want to wrap up my thoughts a bit more and relate my thoughts back to my thesis and the authors. My introduction is really clear, so there isn’t much to revise. I can work on my quote introductions because some appear to be a little abrupt or there isn’t enough context to get a good grasp on the topic. I was given some pointers in the peer review process to play more into certain areas of my writing. I was told I should add more about one of my authors to give them more of a voice and connect them to my viewpoints. My reviewers said I could write more about the possible solutions to some of the problems I talk about in my writing like screen time and AI in schools. They also said there are points in my writing where I can talk about mental health and the effects technology had during the COVID-19 pandemic on children and myself. Most of the work I need to do other than my conclusion is just minor additions to help aid my writing and make it clearer to the reader.
After talking with my peers I think that their comments really will help make my final draft be where I want it to be. For my body paragraph I want to dig a little bit more into my thesis and what the essay is really talking about. I talked about it in my first introduction paragraph but I could move into my second body paragraph instead. Getting into my body paragraphs I really want to try and use true Barclays format. When I write I tend to focus on just the writing part and when I’m finally done break down my work and edit it. In my second body paragraph I want to try and bring up why Jack was stressing about his phone exactly. I talk about it for sure but I would like to get more In depth. Not only that in the same paragraph I’d like to move my opinion of what turtles is talking about after my citation. My big focus is going to be my conclusion paragraph. I really want to be able to bring my whole writing together and keep the readers attention the entire essay.
One of the first things I will be addressing when we come to the revision process will be controlling the redundancy of my words. For example, after I include Finn’s example in my first Barclay’s formula paragraph, I use the word “brain-rotting” twice. I will try to fix how I describe Finn’s essay so that it comes off naturally with better flow. Additionally, as pointed out by Libby, I think it would be very important to omit Finn’s influence from my second Barclay’s paragraph when I talk about Liv’s article. I agree that including him would take away from Liv’s section, which makes what she says regarding how she feels about technology’s effects on kids. I also think that I should rework some of my claims to include how I feel about a particular subject. To elaborate, I will be explaining more about how I feel in the first Barclay’s formula when I talk about not being able to connect with the younger generations at my family events. I will be doing this by including an example with my nephew, explaining how I usually find myself playing his favorite game to bond with him, as he is not one for conversation. I feel like this idea also seamlessly goes along with Finn’s example, and how technology is becoming the glue to our cognitive functions.
One thing I need to focus on is going back and fixing all the nitpicky things. I need to do the editorial work and make sure all my sentences are complete, make sense, and portray my points in the most effective way. I also need to include more background on Turkle, specifically what she studies and has her degrees in. I want to add more about each of my peers and introduce their works better. I want to add more background, so the reader understands better. Cote also recommended I restructure the first sentence in my second introduction paragraph. Wes brought up that I should check how many times I say the word “means” after a quote and when describing it. This was something I did not even realize I did a lot. I need to better introduce my ideas of the second body paragraph before diving right in. I want to elaborate more on my experience with TikTok and how it has shaped me. I think a personal anecdote would be good here. Finally, I need to write my conclusion, making sure I bring all three authors into it in a seamless way. I want to be able to wrap up my thoughts in a meaningful way and leave the reader with something to think about.
I have felt like the peer review has been very helpful for the past three projects. For this specific project, I need to focus on my “I say.” My peers told me that I should have some more personal connections to the quotes that I use. I can say more often whether I agree or disagree with what is being said. I was also told that I could include some solutions to the problems that I talk about. Most of the review I got back was about “I say.” A few other things were some small structural things, move this sentence up a bit and elaborate a little more. I could also include in my intro some of the things we have focused on this year in this class and how we have gotten to this point and this project. I need to write a conclusion. I was told that my last body paragraph tied into my thesis well so I need to make sure my thesis does as well. I was told that I could mention Turkle’s thoughts one more time, not as a quote but just to reiterate her opinions because she’s the one that I agree with the most.
Beckett Shanahan
We read my essay in class so it was a lot of the same edits which I think is ok. I think a big thing that helped was reading out loud, hearing yourself and what you wrote. That was big for me because it helped me find the right wording as well as identify run on sentences. A few things in the intro paragraph that will definitely help me figure out the body paragraphs is the thesis. If I get a grip of the thesis and reference the other authors as well and summarize, I think that will set me up well for the body paragraphs. A few bigger points in the other paragraphs are added in my own ideas. I think I could do more agreeing and disagreeing, and that is how I can tie in quotes. Also expanding on some ideas as well as connecting two ideas together. This helps form a foundation to start my second and third body paragraphs. I bring up a few important topics, but I do not really go into depth on them. This ties into my thesis and I could relate back to that in my conclusion which I have trouble with. Overall I think this peer review helped again and the reading out loud helped when it comes to just simple things.
When I go to revise my final draft of my essay I will look to separate the sentences that I need versus those that are unnecessary and repetitive. Oftentimes, as my peers pointed out I repeat myself and draw out ideas that don’t need that level of specificity. Additionally, I need to add more context into certain places. I have to remember that the person reading this essay might not have read Carr or Arvidson or Thurmond’s essays so I can’t expect them to understand my argument based on the context of their writings. Also, when comparing two authors I should incorporate the barclays format of doing so into it more often. The barclays format is a great way of comparing two author’s writings and I need to do that more. For some of the quotes I need to add more analysis, and make it easier for the reader to follow along with my ideas and arguments. I need to add more “so what” into my essay. What is the domino effect of our addiction to digital technology, and our increased usage of it? Ultimately, my priority going forward is to eliminate redundancy. There were many comments in my peer review group about how I’m saying similar things to what I’ve already mentioned.
After talking with my group for peer review we reviewed many suggestions to help my essay. Some comments that were mentioned were about my introduction paragraph. The comments for my introduction paragraph are “the popular…” We talked to describe the type of technology like key symbols of technology. Some other comments we talked about bringing up Carr first while more in-depth. Also “Therefore” sentence in the introduction should be put after the introduction of Liv instead of before talking about her. We also talked about general suggestions to concise the length of the intro and take out some non-important information. Also, consider 2 separate intro paragraphs instead of just one monster paragraph. Then finally for the intro to add personal touches to the thesis. For the body paragraphs, we said to overall work on more elaboration. We talked about the following:
Breaking down more to make it sense
2nd para: quote explain quote explain then both
Make the second body paragraph smaller so it’s not so long and lengthy
Reword intro to Carr in the second paragraph to have a flow into later and past paragraphs
Introduce Liv a bit more before her quote
Digital calendars are explained later too
Add more I say in Liv and Carr para
When going back and editing my essay, there are many aspects that I will work on. While Ella and Matt think my first paragraph is too long, I don’t whole heartedly agree; however, I will work on making it more concise so it feels consistent and focused. I also want to think about making the “I” in my paper even stronger, as some of my thoughts kind of trail off and blend into the author’s (but not in the comparative way, in the I-forgot-what-I-was-saying way). There are a couple of topic sentences that I want to look at and revise, as well as adding some more analysis to my third body paragraph, pulling more out from the authors themselves. Doing so will give me more to “play” and work within my “I” say. Lastly, I think working a little bit more on flow and reading some sentences out loud to make sure that they are able to stand on their own, as well as sound clean and organized.
Jack Thurmond
ENG 110
Jessie Miller
Apr 16, 2024
Journal #25
After the peer review, I have come up with a good itinerary for things to review to complete my writing process. One simple thing I would like to focus on is getting rid of simple extra words that I add to my writing. They come across as unnecessary and take away from the strength of my writing. Another simple fix for me would be to combine some sentences or get rid of excess sentences. I find that I have some sentences that are similar or if I combined them they would be way stronger together and help my point get across. I also want to find similies for words that come up too frequently in my writing so it doesn’t sound repetitive or lazy. All these simple fixes seem small but if I do all of them it will significantly improve my writing and make it sound way stronger. One bigger fix I am considering is referencing Turkle’s work more in my paper as she is the main author and has the most concrete points. I feel like I am lacking in her involvement and with adding more from her in will add credibility to my writing. With all of these fixes, I am confident my writing will sound significantly better and it will lead my to success on this project.
After meeting with my peer review group, they were all very insightful on what I can improve on. Therefore, I was really able to gauge what points I needed to pay attention to in my essay in order to build a stronger paper. Overall, I need to primarily focus on elaboration and rephrasing sentences to make sure they are complete during the revision process.
Things to work on:
– Rephrasing second sentence in intro.
– Elaborating more on a sentence in the first paragraph about technology’s effect on social ability.
– Add more in the second paragraph about what meaningful relationships entails.
– More elaboration on my thoughts about Briggs ideas in paragraph two.
– Add more detail about the difference of face-to-face conversations and social media conversations.
– Possibly consider dividing body paragraphs into two.
– Elaborate more on what crucial skills I am referring to in paragraph three.
– Incorporate second sentence into previous sentence or add more to that sentence in the beginning of the third paragraph.
– Add metacommentary or elaborate more on a sentence in the third paragraph.
– Change the first word in the paragraphs so they all don’t begin with “technology.
– Expand on what social skills are being impacted in the conclusion.