The first thing I am going to do is re-read my essay and watch out for any sentences that are overly-clunky and wordy. Then, I will simplify them in order to improve the clarity of my work. Then, I will revise the way I introduced the two student texts and add the fact that they are both first year students, in order to provide more context. Then, I will make sure that my explanations of the quotes I used are not repetitive and are actually unpacking and thoroughly explaining the quotes. Another thing I have to revise is making sure that I am using the right words to get my point across, as there are places where I set up a sentence with a phrase that implies something other than what I am saying. For example, my sentence, “ In this quote, Anderson balances how technology has allowed for more communication and information intake…” but Anderson doesn’t actually do that in this sentence. That is a connection that I am making, not Anderson, and I need to change my word choice to reflect that. Also, one more minor change I need to make is se up some of the longer passages that I have used as block quotes, as the way I have them set up right now is incorrect. The last thing I need to revise is adding the finishing touches to my essay, like a works cited page and a title.
Something that was commonly pointed out when doing our peer review about my paper was working on my thesis. I do have a thesis; however, it is too wordy and could use some revision to make it more concrete. Also, another point brough up while looking at my paper was my use of quotes. I have all my quotes, except some of them could be used better in different spots throughout my paper. Within my paper as well, I have a few sentences and other areas where it is just too wordy, and the sentences are run-on. Overall, I need to fix my thesis especially to make sure I get my whole point across, as well as fixing my quotes, and rereading my paper out loud. When I read my paper out loud, it will help me spot areas where I need to shorten my sentences, or just completely change it if it does not make sense.
I plan on rereading my essay and making sure I have a strong balance of “they say”, “I say” throughout my work. My peers pointed out that some areas of my essay lack personal analysis and that could really help strengthen my paper. It was also recommend to me that I go back and try to find an area where I can put Anderson and McGuire in conversation with one another. Once I do that, I will have a great mix of all the voices in my essay “speaking” to one another. In addition to the two revisions I have already laid out, I intend on writing a conclusion, brainstorming a title, and creating a works cited page over the coming days. I also will reread my work and start searching for grammatical and sentence-level errors.
Something that my peers noticed about my paper was having extremely long and wordy sentences when it was unnecessary. Several of my sentences go on for too long and do not provide any further evidence for my thesis. Another thing that I seemed to struggle with was going into a deeper analysis of the authors that I used, as well as my own argument. I have the opportunity to use metacommentary throughout my paper, but for some reason I tend to hold back. A major point that Natalie made to me was how I need to fix my transitions between paragraphs as they are currently choppy. I plan on attacking my topic sentences first because they are what I struggle with most. Franco made the point that throughout my essay, I simply have minor grammatical errors. With this in mind, I plan on rereading my paper again, but this time out loud to see how the words flow and see what needs to change. Something that I personally want to do that my peers did not make note of is refer to the titles of the paper’s that I used from my classmates. This would make it easier for me to mention their papers throughout my argument. Overall, I plan on fixing my sentence structure, include more metacommentary, go into a deeper analysis of the authors, and simply rereading my essay again.
I will change my essay in ways that it will comply to the mla format that we use. This includes changing the spacing to double spaced, adding headers on every one of my pages and adding the due date to my essay. I will then make a new title for my essay because “Technology” is not very strong. For introducing my authors to my essay, I will change the introduction for them so that way it adds some more diversity to each of the people. My thesis needs to be stronger because it is too broad, and it should have more stuff in it. After I initially introduce the author, I should only use their last names because they have already been introduced and their first names are not needed anymore. My concluding paragraphs need to be more focused oon my thesis and should relate back to it more.
Center my title
Make sure thesis is strong and represented throughout essay especially conclusion
I say “she says…” a lot, find other words or phrases to introduce author.. Use resources like TSIS
Fix punctuation within citations
Make sure to follow up at the end of paragraphs on if the authors and i are in agreement, circle back, extend
When finished go back and shorten everything to fit word requirements but still hold strong points.. Maybe ask if it can be extended?
Add more personal experience in last paragraph and conclusion
Make sure my citations are correct
Strong barclay
Fix whatever color issue that was happening
Fix up grammar
Input stronger words to make my statements stronger
Looking forward to the submission of this project, I have a laundry list of things that I would like to work on. Looking superficially, I have a lot of grammar errors that I need to attend to. I think that for my drafts I spent much time focusing on getting my thoughts onto the page that I did not think too much about how the sentences sounded or if my word choices were accurate. I also took on the challenge of quoting two authors with the same last name, Anderson. I think to combat this issue I will go through my paper and denote Sam Anderson as “Anderson” and Kaia Anderson as “Kaia”. There were times where I had a clear distinction between the two as well as times where I referred to them both as “Anderson” which created an unnecessary sense of confusion. Thinking deeper, I need to look to shorten my quotes, and in turn, shorten my body paragraphs. I think from all three sources I pulled too much information in my quotes which just created huge body paragraphs. If I reduce some of those quotations, I should be able to shorten my paragraphs. In a similar vein, I need to look to break up my body paragraphs. They are just too long (one totaling a page and a half) and I feel can cause the reader to lose interest. I also am going to focus on creating a paragraph that brings Myli and Kaia into conversation. I have a paragraph where Anderson was in conversation with Myli and with Kaia, but not a paragraph where it is the two students in conversation. Working to do this will further my overall paper.
At the start of my essay I forgot to write a hook so when editing I will fix that because I need to draw readers in
I should introduce the student writers, Tyler and Faith a little better and more detailed to make it stronger
I can definitely get more specific with my thesis to help my body paragraphs flow a little better and then I will be able to connect it through my conclusion
In this essay I lacked a lot of my I say throughout my analysis. Throughout my paragraphs I will definitely go in and add more of my personal experience
A few of my topic sentences lacked where I just went into the information. I am going to edit that and make sure all my body paragraphs have a strong starting point.
I am going to fix a few grammar mistakes I missed and a couple of sentences that got a little confusing about what my point was.
My peers found it a little cluttered when using three sources in one paragraph so I think that I should either split up my paragraphs. I also should just focus on two in conversation rather than trying to bring in three in one paragraph
For my essay, first of all, I need to get more concise. As usual, I went on more rants and tirades that didn’t add to my essay, so I have to make sure I get to the point that I want to make in a timely manner rather than just filling up a paragraph with something no one really cares about. I need to make sure to be able to connect back my ideas in each of my paragraphs back to my thesis and to make my thesis make a little more sense, as it does make sense if you read it enough but it could definitely be explained better. Another thing I need to work on is my last body paragraph, where I plan to connect Carr and Perkins in conversation with each other about how they both see how the reliance on technology for information has begun to change the ways in which we trust the information given out by others and rather trusting computers over people. Then, for my conclusion, I want to bring all three back together, point out their main connections, and then wrap it up with a restatement of the thesis in a way that has evolved through the essay.
My main issue was grammar in my essay so I definitely will put a lot of focus on that in my revision. I also need to add in topic sentences before going into the authors and quotes as to create a transition between paragraphs. I may need to add in examples to my paragraphs to try to display what my point is better and allow my own personal experiences to connect with my thoughts. I still have a body paragraph to finish up where Leehive and Kesler are in conversation and give my analysis on that. I also need to add in my works cited. I was also recommended to explain what I mean on the difference between toxic boyfriend and parasite in my introduction so that the readers understand what my point is. Overall, I feel like my points and what I am talking about don’t need much revision and I just need to look at grammar and making my sentences flow better with each other. I can do this by reading my essay out loud so that it is easier to catch mistakes and find what flows better so I can fix my sentences since a lot of them are choppy and my points are getting a little lost in translation.
Based on what Mae and Myli have seen in my essay so far is that I need to look into how the authors of the essays I am bringing need to have more connecting pieces. They mentioned that many of the points were strong and that those do not need to change heavily, it is just the way they come together to create the venn diagram and fold into each other. In the opening portion, I forgot to introduce all 3 authors and titles of their essays, so I will need to change that. A few minor grammatical changes and formatting issues. CITES. Need to add citations of authors after the quotes. Mily mentioned that the Kaia quote on page 2 might flow better if I bring it closer to the beginning instead of at the end, might make the argument flow and defend better. The ending of this paragraph came to a quick end, if I push it forward it might end a bit better. Also add an “I relate to” statement. Fix the intro for Kaia, forgot to add student portion. A big thing that Mae and Myli mentioned was that the quotes need to be more of a whole summary instead of just a snippet here and snippet there, extend the quote, make a larger/ broader statement about it.
Something I really need to work on is making my ideas flow better. When I was writing, I kind of bounced back and forth between Carr, Kelly a little too much. I also need to focus on not repeating the same points over and over again, especially when I talk about distractions and multitasking. I get what I was trying to do, but I can definitely clean it up so it doesn’t sound like I’m just circling around the same ideas. Another thing is my thesis, it could be more clear and confident about where I stand from the start. And I also have to put page numbers after my quotes. Another thing is overall grammar and just making smooth transitions.
12 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 28”
The first thing I am going to do is re-read my essay and watch out for any sentences that are overly-clunky and wordy. Then, I will simplify them in order to improve the clarity of my work. Then, I will revise the way I introduced the two student texts and add the fact that they are both first year students, in order to provide more context. Then, I will make sure that my explanations of the quotes I used are not repetitive and are actually unpacking and thoroughly explaining the quotes. Another thing I have to revise is making sure that I am using the right words to get my point across, as there are places where I set up a sentence with a phrase that implies something other than what I am saying. For example, my sentence, “ In this quote, Anderson balances how technology has allowed for more communication and information intake…” but Anderson doesn’t actually do that in this sentence. That is a connection that I am making, not Anderson, and I need to change my word choice to reflect that. Also, one more minor change I need to make is se up some of the longer passages that I have used as block quotes, as the way I have them set up right now is incorrect. The last thing I need to revise is adding the finishing touches to my essay, like a works cited page and a title.
Something that was commonly pointed out when doing our peer review about my paper was working on my thesis. I do have a thesis; however, it is too wordy and could use some revision to make it more concrete. Also, another point brough up while looking at my paper was my use of quotes. I have all my quotes, except some of them could be used better in different spots throughout my paper. Within my paper as well, I have a few sentences and other areas where it is just too wordy, and the sentences are run-on. Overall, I need to fix my thesis especially to make sure I get my whole point across, as well as fixing my quotes, and rereading my paper out loud. When I read my paper out loud, it will help me spot areas where I need to shorten my sentences, or just completely change it if it does not make sense.
I plan on rereading my essay and making sure I have a strong balance of “they say”, “I say” throughout my work. My peers pointed out that some areas of my essay lack personal analysis and that could really help strengthen my paper. It was also recommend to me that I go back and try to find an area where I can put Anderson and McGuire in conversation with one another. Once I do that, I will have a great mix of all the voices in my essay “speaking” to one another. In addition to the two revisions I have already laid out, I intend on writing a conclusion, brainstorming a title, and creating a works cited page over the coming days. I also will reread my work and start searching for grammatical and sentence-level errors.
Something that my peers noticed about my paper was having extremely long and wordy sentences when it was unnecessary. Several of my sentences go on for too long and do not provide any further evidence for my thesis. Another thing that I seemed to struggle with was going into a deeper analysis of the authors that I used, as well as my own argument. I have the opportunity to use metacommentary throughout my paper, but for some reason I tend to hold back. A major point that Natalie made to me was how I need to fix my transitions between paragraphs as they are currently choppy. I plan on attacking my topic sentences first because they are what I struggle with most. Franco made the point that throughout my essay, I simply have minor grammatical errors. With this in mind, I plan on rereading my paper again, but this time out loud to see how the words flow and see what needs to change. Something that I personally want to do that my peers did not make note of is refer to the titles of the paper’s that I used from my classmates. This would make it easier for me to mention their papers throughout my argument. Overall, I plan on fixing my sentence structure, include more metacommentary, go into a deeper analysis of the authors, and simply rereading my essay again.
I will change my essay in ways that it will comply to the mla format that we use. This includes changing the spacing to double spaced, adding headers on every one of my pages and adding the due date to my essay. I will then make a new title for my essay because “Technology” is not very strong. For introducing my authors to my essay, I will change the introduction for them so that way it adds some more diversity to each of the people. My thesis needs to be stronger because it is too broad, and it should have more stuff in it. After I initially introduce the author, I should only use their last names because they have already been introduced and their first names are not needed anymore. My concluding paragraphs need to be more focused oon my thesis and should relate back to it more.
Center my title
Make sure thesis is strong and represented throughout essay especially conclusion
I say “she says…” a lot, find other words or phrases to introduce author.. Use resources like TSIS
Fix punctuation within citations
Make sure to follow up at the end of paragraphs on if the authors and i are in agreement, circle back, extend
When finished go back and shorten everything to fit word requirements but still hold strong points.. Maybe ask if it can be extended?
Add more personal experience in last paragraph and conclusion
Make sure my citations are correct
Strong barclay
Fix whatever color issue that was happening
Fix up grammar
Input stronger words to make my statements stronger
Looking forward to the submission of this project, I have a laundry list of things that I would like to work on. Looking superficially, I have a lot of grammar errors that I need to attend to. I think that for my drafts I spent much time focusing on getting my thoughts onto the page that I did not think too much about how the sentences sounded or if my word choices were accurate. I also took on the challenge of quoting two authors with the same last name, Anderson. I think to combat this issue I will go through my paper and denote Sam Anderson as “Anderson” and Kaia Anderson as “Kaia”. There were times where I had a clear distinction between the two as well as times where I referred to them both as “Anderson” which created an unnecessary sense of confusion. Thinking deeper, I need to look to shorten my quotes, and in turn, shorten my body paragraphs. I think from all three sources I pulled too much information in my quotes which just created huge body paragraphs. If I reduce some of those quotations, I should be able to shorten my paragraphs. In a similar vein, I need to look to break up my body paragraphs. They are just too long (one totaling a page and a half) and I feel can cause the reader to lose interest. I also am going to focus on creating a paragraph that brings Myli and Kaia into conversation. I have a paragraph where Anderson was in conversation with Myli and with Kaia, but not a paragraph where it is the two students in conversation. Working to do this will further my overall paper.
At the start of my essay I forgot to write a hook so when editing I will fix that because I need to draw readers in
I should introduce the student writers, Tyler and Faith a little better and more detailed to make it stronger
I can definitely get more specific with my thesis to help my body paragraphs flow a little better and then I will be able to connect it through my conclusion
In this essay I lacked a lot of my I say throughout my analysis. Throughout my paragraphs I will definitely go in and add more of my personal experience
A few of my topic sentences lacked where I just went into the information. I am going to edit that and make sure all my body paragraphs have a strong starting point.
I am going to fix a few grammar mistakes I missed and a couple of sentences that got a little confusing about what my point was.
My peers found it a little cluttered when using three sources in one paragraph so I think that I should either split up my paragraphs. I also should just focus on two in conversation rather than trying to bring in three in one paragraph
For my essay, first of all, I need to get more concise. As usual, I went on more rants and tirades that didn’t add to my essay, so I have to make sure I get to the point that I want to make in a timely manner rather than just filling up a paragraph with something no one really cares about. I need to make sure to be able to connect back my ideas in each of my paragraphs back to my thesis and to make my thesis make a little more sense, as it does make sense if you read it enough but it could definitely be explained better. Another thing I need to work on is my last body paragraph, where I plan to connect Carr and Perkins in conversation with each other about how they both see how the reliance on technology for information has begun to change the ways in which we trust the information given out by others and rather trusting computers over people. Then, for my conclusion, I want to bring all three back together, point out their main connections, and then wrap it up with a restatement of the thesis in a way that has evolved through the essay.
My main issue was grammar in my essay so I definitely will put a lot of focus on that in my revision. I also need to add in topic sentences before going into the authors and quotes as to create a transition between paragraphs. I may need to add in examples to my paragraphs to try to display what my point is better and allow my own personal experiences to connect with my thoughts. I still have a body paragraph to finish up where Leehive and Kesler are in conversation and give my analysis on that. I also need to add in my works cited. I was also recommended to explain what I mean on the difference between toxic boyfriend and parasite in my introduction so that the readers understand what my point is. Overall, I feel like my points and what I am talking about don’t need much revision and I just need to look at grammar and making my sentences flow better with each other. I can do this by reading my essay out loud so that it is easier to catch mistakes and find what flows better so I can fix my sentences since a lot of them are choppy and my points are getting a little lost in translation.
Based on what Mae and Myli have seen in my essay so far is that I need to look into how the authors of the essays I am bringing need to have more connecting pieces. They mentioned that many of the points were strong and that those do not need to change heavily, it is just the way they come together to create the venn diagram and fold into each other. In the opening portion, I forgot to introduce all 3 authors and titles of their essays, so I will need to change that. A few minor grammatical changes and formatting issues. CITES. Need to add citations of authors after the quotes. Mily mentioned that the Kaia quote on page 2 might flow better if I bring it closer to the beginning instead of at the end, might make the argument flow and defend better. The ending of this paragraph came to a quick end, if I push it forward it might end a bit better. Also add an “I relate to” statement. Fix the intro for Kaia, forgot to add student portion. A big thing that Mae and Myli mentioned was that the quotes need to be more of a whole summary instead of just a snippet here and snippet there, extend the quote, make a larger/ broader statement about it.
Something I really need to work on is making my ideas flow better. When I was writing, I kind of bounced back and forth between Carr, Kelly a little too much. I also need to focus on not repeating the same points over and over again, especially when I talk about distractions and multitasking. I get what I was trying to do, but I can definitely clean it up so it doesn’t sound like I’m just circling around the same ideas. Another thing is my thesis, it could be more clear and confident about where I stand from the start. And I also have to put page numbers after my quotes. Another thing is overall grammar and just making smooth transitions.