For revisions, I need to fix a few grammatical issues and focus on making more powerful introductions. I also need to focus on narrowing down on what I want to talk about, as I tend to go on longer rants for a while before I actually understand what I want to discuss. My thesis could use some work as well, since it feels like I don’t really explain exactly what it is that I’m going to talk about in the essay. Since I disagree with a lot of the points Turtle is bringing up within her book, it would be helpful to explain that point of view right off the bat in my thesis. I have to explain the side of which I land on the scale. I’m working on refining my body paragraphs and introductory paragraph as well as finishing up a well rounded conclusion paragraph. Trying to focus on not using words like “very”, “pretty” and “things”, as they are not exactly descriptive enough for an essay is one part of this too. My balance of the two sides of the effects of technology is good, but it could still use some work to put it concretely into my essay. My quotes seem to be good and the descriptions I gave of them work well with my own opinions on them, since I don’t want to just attack Sherry Turtle verbally, I just would like to share my opinion on the matter.
After the peer-review session, I was given very insightful feedback from my peers of areas of my writing that could be improved. As my next course of action, I plan on looking over my paragraphs and making sure I have a good balance of “they say, I say.” Currently, it seems as though there may be portions of my writing in which I overuse Turkle’s ideas or don’t put in enough personal evidence to strengthen my claims. One of my peers pointed out a paragraph where they believed my analysis was excellent and I want to look over that section and try to replicate it in other areas of my essay. In addition, I want to reread my paper and make sure there are areas in which I am going off on unnecessary tangents. I have to make sure my paper does not deviate from my thesis, in order to make it as concise and effective as possible. Lastly, this is the point in my writing process where I will double space my essay, start brainstorming a title, and create a “Works Cited” page.
In my revision I will look at all the comments made in my peer review as well as the points brought up in our talk in class. This will help me get a base understanding of what I need to fix. I will then read over everything I’ve written out loud to catch any mistakes my partners and I may have missed. I will also skim over Turkle to see if there are any quotes that I may have missed that fit better into my essay or ones that I can add to elevate my work. I also want to check to see if I have any words or phrases I repeated too many times and see if I can change them to make my essay less repetitious. I am mostly done other than revisions I still need to add my Works Cited, and I also want to check over to ensure that my essay is in proper MLA format. Otherwise, I feel like there isn’t much revision since I am relatively done with this draft and close to my final draft of this essay. I have reached the desired word count, but I still have room to add another paragraph/point if needed.
When reading the comments and feedback from my peers on my essay, they came up with good points on how to help my paper out. I need to explain some sentences better and add more explanation to not be so ambiguous or vague. I also realized that I need to put my whole paper into MLA format, since I did not double space the paper, or put a title on yet. I also got comments on how to help with the flow of my essay, and how adding a sentence or two at the bottom, like a transition sentence between paragraphs, would help my essay come together more and not seem like it is jumping from topic to topic. I realized also from comments that I need to be more specific on my thesis and be more detailed in summarizing the essays main point/argument, as well as needing to add some more analysis to my quotes. I need to add some more analysis to really explain the quote and prove why it works with my essay, and how the quote proves my main idea all throughout the essay. A conclusion also needs to be added, since I was not able to finish writing it before the peer review checks occurred. In the conclusion I will be summarizing the key takeaways and what I want the reader to think about the most, as well as suggesting steps to be able to help find a balance between technology and meaningful connections.
Reflecting on the comments made by my peers there are a few little things I need to fix. One major thing I need to do is expand my introductions to my quotes. For most paragraphs, I just started with what Turkle stated and then the quote and went into my explanation after the quote. My paper would flow much better by introducing the idea of the paragraph and briefly explaining my quote. I think that I need to be a little more detailed in my thesis statement by not using words like “it” so the thesis becomes stronger. Another thing to make my paragraphs flow more with the quotes would be either breaking them up or shortening them since I used three very long quotes. I could also expand more on personal experiences to grasp the reader’s attention and make them understand my point more thoroughly. Along with expanding my ideas I could give ways to fix or help them when talking about how technology damages or affects us. I need to work on detailed topic sentences so the reader can understand what my paragraphs are about. Some of my paragraphs I could arrange the words a little better like explaining what I was talking about before I make my point. Overall my peer review comments were very helpful and now I have a guide of what I can edit to make my paper better and more detailed.
I am going to start by fixing the common grammar errors and removing the use of Americans so much, as Turkle was not specifically referencing America, and that was just an assumption that I had made. I might generalize the essay to the world, but I am considering indicating at some point in my essay that Turkle’s study was specific to Americans. I will work to sharpen up my body paragraphs and remove any information that becomes repetitive. Also, I will focus on my third body paragraph as it was indicated by a peer that it seems rushed. I will have to include a conclusion paragraph to wrap up my essay, making sure to draw back to my thesis and highlight my claims. I will also look to use more “I” when explaining my point. A peer indicated that I had only used I in my thesis and incorporating it more into my body paragraphs will strengthen my argument. I will need to sharpen up my thesis, specifically focusing on the statements where I use “I believe” and “I agree,” as it was indicated that they were contradicting statements, and the ending of my thesis, where my claim was located, was said to be choppy. I was told that the thesis was strong, though, so I am confident that with some rewording, I can salvage it and use it in the final draft.
– I need to connect my thesis back to the prompt and make it sound more like a call to action
– In paragraph 3 I use the same examples that Turkle did, so I need to choose different ones to avoid repetitiveness
– I need to be more certain about my stance, I should say fewer phrases like I believe and I feel because they make it sound like I’m uncertain about my own claim. However, still say I believe in the thesis
– In the first body paragraph, the word despite is contradicting
– Use the same format for all paragraphs, each of my paragraphs is structured differently making it confusing to read. Paragraph 2 seems to have the best format
– Dig deeper into and analyze the quotes and be more personal
– The conclusion needs to be about the problem that Turkle brings up
– Only need to introduce the book once, no need to re-introduce it
– Introduce Turkle more in the introduction, PhD, MIT, etc.
– Get rid of filler words
-Won’t need filler words once I add more analysis
– I only need to introduce Turkle once and after that one time, I can just say Turkle and don’t need her full name.
– Need to answer the prompt more
– Third body paragraph use it to expand on what the reliance on technology causes, it feels like I restated the first paragraph
While I am happy with the draft that I have produced so far, there are many revisions that I need to make. My top priority revision right now is making my topic sentences flow better, specifically in my first body paragraph. I also need to dial back my personal connections and make them more applicable to the general audience. Going along with this, I need to make sure I put more emphasis on Turkle’s writing and less of my own personal experience. Similarly, I need to “zoom out” and put more emphasis on humans as a whole. I also need to work on removing vague wording such as “things” or “this idea” that could potentially confuse the reader. Additionally, I need to revisit my conclusion and find a better way to restate my thesis. Finally, I need to proofread my essay for grammatical and spelling errors, as well as look through some of my word choices and make sure they are conveying the messages that I want them to.
For starters I was considering downloading grammarly since my peers have shown me how it easily catched grammatical errors, which my essay has a good amount of. A huge thing I need to focus on is my thesis statement. It wasn’t clear to several of my peers who revised my essay, and it’s one of the most important parts of the essay so its important I get it right. I will make sure to “agree or disagree” in that thesis. Making sure I double check with the assignment handout I want to revise with the thesis as well. In my second paragraph I need to add a topic sentence/introduce my quote. My citations also need correction, I will change them to something like this (Turkle 345). My peers revised that my second paragraph needs clearing up/reorganizing. It’s a little choppy. When restating quotes I will use different words than the quote to describe it. End of paragraph two define what “that” is. Making sure my block quote in the middle of my essay is fully introduced, then explained afterwards. Really connect back to quotes I introduce and restate my thesis clearly. They say I say needs to be more even split. I need to create a strong conclusion paragraph with a full circle moment thing with my opinions, as well as work cited.
One of my biggest problems in my paper that I plan on fixing and clarifying is my blocked quotes. At one point in my paper, one of the quotes is set up just right so that it looks like an unquoted sentence that keeps on going, and it almost looks like I plagiarized Turkle. Another major problem that I need to fix is my grammar. I will admit, when I shared my paper with my peers, I did not fully reread everything and make sure that my spelling and grammar were correct. I plan on fixing this by rereading the paper more than once to change the tense to be the same, as well as ensuring that everything is properly capitalized and punctuated. Clarity of my sentences is something that I have always struggled with, but my peers pointed out a sentence or two of mine to fix. Sentences like the ones they pointed out remind me to slow down while writing and to reread the sentence, as if it is my first time reading it. A major thing I still need to add is a works cited and a concluding paragraph. Lastly, I plan on adding or rearranging quotes to support my argument that are stronger than the ones I currently have. At the moment, my argument is fairly strong, but I need to include more direct quotes, real life examples, and my own personal experiences.
I am going to start off my revisions by changing my spacing in my essay to double spaced. The next thing I will do is change the due date to the correct. I will then add more I say statements to my essay as I talked a lot about what Turkle was saying and not what I thought about it. I will make a new paragraph where Turkle talks about how. I will need tp add more I say statements to my essay. I will remove a comma in my second paragraph where I start to introduce Turkle’s thoughts. I will write vicious instead of writing viscous because that is not the right word. Where I had stated “I for one”, I will change that to “I, for one,” to make it flow better. I need to add more detail to my entire essay as I am only at 850 words. My title was slightly offset so that will be a small but easy change to make. I have a lot of small run on sentences that could be condensed or even converted into two sentences that state my point of view nicer. My grammatical errors in my essay are scattered all over the place and that would be a good thing to change as those are free points that I can get.
After discussing the peer review I gained a lot of insightful information to help fix my paper. My peers have helped me notice that my introduction needs to have a little more detail. I need to include why I don’t agree with Turkle’s opinion. Before explaining that I should explain what Turkle is trying to argue in this passage before countering. I need to touch up on some easy things like grammar and spell checks to help make everything smoother. I also need to expand some of my explanations that follow my quotes. I need to focus on my they say, I say. I should also go more into detail about what Turkle states and why or why not I agree. I should elaborate more on my topic sentences and refer back to my thesis throughout my paragraphs. One of the major points in my peer review is making my thesis more specific. It is especially useful because it can link it to the ideas in my body paragraphs, making my point stronger. Some grammar fixes I need to do are including page numbers when referencing Turkle’s book. I was also given advice to avoid starting sentences with words like and. They suggested for me to include evidence from The Empathy Diaries in my final paragraph which will allow me to have a stronger argument. Overall, this peer review gave a lot of help to make my paper stronger.
My focus will be primarily on making sure that my thesis will be connected to each section in a better way. I found it a little difficult to try and pull so much information to write on only from one article that about 10 pages long and turn that into an informative and interesting essay. When I first started writing the essay, I found myself writing too much in the “I think this, and I think that” style of trying to understand what the article was about. The next thing I will look at will be bringing in stronger and clearer topic sentences, I find myself drawing out too long on getting too much of the information I the first sentence or two. So having more the “break down” info later in the paragraph and just focusing on bringing the reader a clear conversation starter in each paragraph. After that just making sure sentences flow better, some got a little choppy and ran on longer than needed. I’d like to interact with the Turkle article a bit more as well. As stated before, having only 10 short pages to draw ideas and thoughts about something I have never really thought about before is difficult, and something to adjust to in finishing this essay. I am so used to performing large scale experiments and deciphering huge amounts of information to draw a conclusion that this is a new style of writing I am not used to.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 9”
For revisions, I need to fix a few grammatical issues and focus on making more powerful introductions. I also need to focus on narrowing down on what I want to talk about, as I tend to go on longer rants for a while before I actually understand what I want to discuss. My thesis could use some work as well, since it feels like I don’t really explain exactly what it is that I’m going to talk about in the essay. Since I disagree with a lot of the points Turtle is bringing up within her book, it would be helpful to explain that point of view right off the bat in my thesis. I have to explain the side of which I land on the scale. I’m working on refining my body paragraphs and introductory paragraph as well as finishing up a well rounded conclusion paragraph. Trying to focus on not using words like “very”, “pretty” and “things”, as they are not exactly descriptive enough for an essay is one part of this too. My balance of the two sides of the effects of technology is good, but it could still use some work to put it concretely into my essay. My quotes seem to be good and the descriptions I gave of them work well with my own opinions on them, since I don’t want to just attack Sherry Turtle verbally, I just would like to share my opinion on the matter.
After the peer-review session, I was given very insightful feedback from my peers of areas of my writing that could be improved. As my next course of action, I plan on looking over my paragraphs and making sure I have a good balance of “they say, I say.” Currently, it seems as though there may be portions of my writing in which I overuse Turkle’s ideas or don’t put in enough personal evidence to strengthen my claims. One of my peers pointed out a paragraph where they believed my analysis was excellent and I want to look over that section and try to replicate it in other areas of my essay. In addition, I want to reread my paper and make sure there are areas in which I am going off on unnecessary tangents. I have to make sure my paper does not deviate from my thesis, in order to make it as concise and effective as possible. Lastly, this is the point in my writing process where I will double space my essay, start brainstorming a title, and create a “Works Cited” page.
In my revision I will look at all the comments made in my peer review as well as the points brought up in our talk in class. This will help me get a base understanding of what I need to fix. I will then read over everything I’ve written out loud to catch any mistakes my partners and I may have missed. I will also skim over Turkle to see if there are any quotes that I may have missed that fit better into my essay or ones that I can add to elevate my work. I also want to check to see if I have any words or phrases I repeated too many times and see if I can change them to make my essay less repetitious. I am mostly done other than revisions I still need to add my Works Cited, and I also want to check over to ensure that my essay is in proper MLA format. Otherwise, I feel like there isn’t much revision since I am relatively done with this draft and close to my final draft of this essay. I have reached the desired word count, but I still have room to add another paragraph/point if needed.
When reading the comments and feedback from my peers on my essay, they came up with good points on how to help my paper out. I need to explain some sentences better and add more explanation to not be so ambiguous or vague. I also realized that I need to put my whole paper into MLA format, since I did not double space the paper, or put a title on yet. I also got comments on how to help with the flow of my essay, and how adding a sentence or two at the bottom, like a transition sentence between paragraphs, would help my essay come together more and not seem like it is jumping from topic to topic. I realized also from comments that I need to be more specific on my thesis and be more detailed in summarizing the essays main point/argument, as well as needing to add some more analysis to my quotes. I need to add some more analysis to really explain the quote and prove why it works with my essay, and how the quote proves my main idea all throughout the essay. A conclusion also needs to be added, since I was not able to finish writing it before the peer review checks occurred. In the conclusion I will be summarizing the key takeaways and what I want the reader to think about the most, as well as suggesting steps to be able to help find a balance between technology and meaningful connections.
Reflecting on the comments made by my peers there are a few little things I need to fix. One major thing I need to do is expand my introductions to my quotes. For most paragraphs, I just started with what Turkle stated and then the quote and went into my explanation after the quote. My paper would flow much better by introducing the idea of the paragraph and briefly explaining my quote. I think that I need to be a little more detailed in my thesis statement by not using words like “it” so the thesis becomes stronger. Another thing to make my paragraphs flow more with the quotes would be either breaking them up or shortening them since I used three very long quotes. I could also expand more on personal experiences to grasp the reader’s attention and make them understand my point more thoroughly. Along with expanding my ideas I could give ways to fix or help them when talking about how technology damages or affects us. I need to work on detailed topic sentences so the reader can understand what my paragraphs are about. Some of my paragraphs I could arrange the words a little better like explaining what I was talking about before I make my point. Overall my peer review comments were very helpful and now I have a guide of what I can edit to make my paper better and more detailed.
I am going to start by fixing the common grammar errors and removing the use of Americans so much, as Turkle was not specifically referencing America, and that was just an assumption that I had made. I might generalize the essay to the world, but I am considering indicating at some point in my essay that Turkle’s study was specific to Americans. I will work to sharpen up my body paragraphs and remove any information that becomes repetitive. Also, I will focus on my third body paragraph as it was indicated by a peer that it seems rushed. I will have to include a conclusion paragraph to wrap up my essay, making sure to draw back to my thesis and highlight my claims. I will also look to use more “I” when explaining my point. A peer indicated that I had only used I in my thesis and incorporating it more into my body paragraphs will strengthen my argument. I will need to sharpen up my thesis, specifically focusing on the statements where I use “I believe” and “I agree,” as it was indicated that they were contradicting statements, and the ending of my thesis, where my claim was located, was said to be choppy. I was told that the thesis was strong, though, so I am confident that with some rewording, I can salvage it and use it in the final draft.
– I need to connect my thesis back to the prompt and make it sound more like a call to action
– In paragraph 3 I use the same examples that Turkle did, so I need to choose different ones to avoid repetitiveness
– I need to be more certain about my stance, I should say fewer phrases like I believe and I feel because they make it sound like I’m uncertain about my own claim. However, still say I believe in the thesis
– In the first body paragraph, the word despite is contradicting
– Use the same format for all paragraphs, each of my paragraphs is structured differently making it confusing to read. Paragraph 2 seems to have the best format
– Dig deeper into and analyze the quotes and be more personal
– The conclusion needs to be about the problem that Turkle brings up
– Only need to introduce the book once, no need to re-introduce it
– Introduce Turkle more in the introduction, PhD, MIT, etc.
– Get rid of filler words
-Won’t need filler words once I add more analysis
– I only need to introduce Turkle once and after that one time, I can just say Turkle and don’t need her full name.
– Need to answer the prompt more
– Third body paragraph use it to expand on what the reliance on technology causes, it feels like I restated the first paragraph
While I am happy with the draft that I have produced so far, there are many revisions that I need to make. My top priority revision right now is making my topic sentences flow better, specifically in my first body paragraph. I also need to dial back my personal connections and make them more applicable to the general audience. Going along with this, I need to make sure I put more emphasis on Turkle’s writing and less of my own personal experience. Similarly, I need to “zoom out” and put more emphasis on humans as a whole. I also need to work on removing vague wording such as “things” or “this idea” that could potentially confuse the reader. Additionally, I need to revisit my conclusion and find a better way to restate my thesis. Finally, I need to proofread my essay for grammatical and spelling errors, as well as look through some of my word choices and make sure they are conveying the messages that I want them to.
For starters I was considering downloading grammarly since my peers have shown me how it easily catched grammatical errors, which my essay has a good amount of. A huge thing I need to focus on is my thesis statement. It wasn’t clear to several of my peers who revised my essay, and it’s one of the most important parts of the essay so its important I get it right. I will make sure to “agree or disagree” in that thesis. Making sure I double check with the assignment handout I want to revise with the thesis as well. In my second paragraph I need to add a topic sentence/introduce my quote. My citations also need correction, I will change them to something like this (Turkle 345). My peers revised that my second paragraph needs clearing up/reorganizing. It’s a little choppy. When restating quotes I will use different words than the quote to describe it. End of paragraph two define what “that” is. Making sure my block quote in the middle of my essay is fully introduced, then explained afterwards. Really connect back to quotes I introduce and restate my thesis clearly. They say I say needs to be more even split. I need to create a strong conclusion paragraph with a full circle moment thing with my opinions, as well as work cited.
One of my biggest problems in my paper that I plan on fixing and clarifying is my blocked quotes. At one point in my paper, one of the quotes is set up just right so that it looks like an unquoted sentence that keeps on going, and it almost looks like I plagiarized Turkle. Another major problem that I need to fix is my grammar. I will admit, when I shared my paper with my peers, I did not fully reread everything and make sure that my spelling and grammar were correct. I plan on fixing this by rereading the paper more than once to change the tense to be the same, as well as ensuring that everything is properly capitalized and punctuated. Clarity of my sentences is something that I have always struggled with, but my peers pointed out a sentence or two of mine to fix. Sentences like the ones they pointed out remind me to slow down while writing and to reread the sentence, as if it is my first time reading it. A major thing I still need to add is a works cited and a concluding paragraph. Lastly, I plan on adding or rearranging quotes to support my argument that are stronger than the ones I currently have. At the moment, my argument is fairly strong, but I need to include more direct quotes, real life examples, and my own personal experiences.
I am going to start off my revisions by changing my spacing in my essay to double spaced. The next thing I will do is change the due date to the correct. I will then add more I say statements to my essay as I talked a lot about what Turkle was saying and not what I thought about it. I will make a new paragraph where Turkle talks about how. I will need tp add more I say statements to my essay. I will remove a comma in my second paragraph where I start to introduce Turkle’s thoughts. I will write vicious instead of writing viscous because that is not the right word. Where I had stated “I for one”, I will change that to “I, for one,” to make it flow better. I need to add more detail to my entire essay as I am only at 850 words. My title was slightly offset so that will be a small but easy change to make. I have a lot of small run on sentences that could be condensed or even converted into two sentences that state my point of view nicer. My grammatical errors in my essay are scattered all over the place and that would be a good thing to change as those are free points that I can get.
After discussing the peer review I gained a lot of insightful information to help fix my paper. My peers have helped me notice that my introduction needs to have a little more detail. I need to include why I don’t agree with Turkle’s opinion. Before explaining that I should explain what Turkle is trying to argue in this passage before countering. I need to touch up on some easy things like grammar and spell checks to help make everything smoother. I also need to expand some of my explanations that follow my quotes. I need to focus on my they say, I say. I should also go more into detail about what Turkle states and why or why not I agree. I should elaborate more on my topic sentences and refer back to my thesis throughout my paragraphs. One of the major points in my peer review is making my thesis more specific. It is especially useful because it can link it to the ideas in my body paragraphs, making my point stronger. Some grammar fixes I need to do are including page numbers when referencing Turkle’s book. I was also given advice to avoid starting sentences with words like and. They suggested for me to include evidence from The Empathy Diaries in my final paragraph which will allow me to have a stronger argument. Overall, this peer review gave a lot of help to make my paper stronger.
My focus will be primarily on making sure that my thesis will be connected to each section in a better way. I found it a little difficult to try and pull so much information to write on only from one article that about 10 pages long and turn that into an informative and interesting essay. When I first started writing the essay, I found myself writing too much in the “I think this, and I think that” style of trying to understand what the article was about. The next thing I will look at will be bringing in stronger and clearer topic sentences, I find myself drawing out too long on getting too much of the information I the first sentence or two. So having more the “break down” info later in the paragraph and just focusing on bringing the reader a clear conversation starter in each paragraph. After that just making sure sentences flow better, some got a little choppy and ran on longer than needed. I’d like to interact with the Turkle article a bit more as well. As stated before, having only 10 short pages to draw ideas and thoughts about something I have never really thought about before is difficult, and something to adjust to in finishing this essay. I am so used to performing large scale experiments and deciphering huge amounts of information to draw a conclusion that this is a new style of writing I am not used to.