For my revision on my essay, I need to work a few things such as finish my conclusion paragraph. I have made strong points throughout my essay and then I just need to wrap it up and tie it all together. The main thing I need to focus on to revise is how I word some of my sentences. Some of them tend to flow and the wording is a bit off, so I have to go back and make those stronger so it is not so unclear on what I am saying. And finally I need to just go back and spell check everything and also fix some of my grammar in some of my sentences.
I feel like my biggest thing to work on here is my word count. I still have to write a conclusion, but I am at the word limit. So, I will start by writing the conclusion, which will wrap up my essay and tie in all of my other ideas. Then, I will start to go through my essay and delete paragraphs that don’t seem necessary or say similar things to other sentences. Then, I will see if I can combine sentences with similar ideas to make them more concise and lower the word count. Then, I will go through again and focus on changing the language where I feel it isn’t saying exactly what I want, or it feels repetitive, or it just seems flat. Another thing I really need to focus on word-wise is my grammar, and how clear my message is. I will go through again and make sure the words fit together in a way that makes sense. I will also go through and make sure that my ideas are reflected everywhere they need to be, like in the introduction sentences of the body paragraphs, the thesis, and the conclusion paragraph. Lastly, I will go through and make sure that all the parts of the essay (parts of intro, parts of barclays format) are sufficient and present.
The opening of the essay should contain a clear and concise thesis stating that while technology connects us, it also isolates us. It will give readers a solid foundation in how technology impacts human relations and empathy. Citing Turkle, Carr, will need to be more thoroughly layered with explanation and illustration. Giella’s and Sanger’s essays about their lives. Through these examples should come a fairly direct application of the more theoretical claims—especially with regards to empathy—and how technology mediates emotional comprehension. It could also use transitions to make it easy to connect the paragraphs and focused paragraphs that only talk about one thing. Avoid saying the same point three or four times like technology connects and isolates people, IT has an important role. Ideas should be expressed in sentences that are as short as possible to give clarity. I need a more nuanced view here, one that recognizes the benefits of technology along with its pitfalls. A balanced analysis will give the views of Turkle and Carr along with counterarguments and limitations. Finally, personal stories need to be more closely linked to theoretical assertions in order to create a continuity of theme. Finally, final proofreading, looking at grammar and typographical mistakes to make sure the tone was also academic and all sentences were clear and concise would also improve the essay. It won’t take away from the argument having studies to support it.
I posted the wrong thing
I am going to work through my essay from the top down and first concisify unnecessarily long and sprawling sentences. I will then go over the suggestions for improvements from peer review, tweaking what I can based on their suggestions but not doing anything that changes the overall arc of my essay. A complete read through to make sure all the pieces are cohesive, relevant, and flow well. Lastly, I need to come up with a conclusion to tie everything together and go back through my transitions; so they flow well and match the rest of my writing.
I need to work on a lot on my essay.
– I need to correct all my grammar
-make a better conclusion
-make corrections
– I can’t just drop a quote
– get to 1200 words
-works cited page
In my revisions I need to:
– Work on meeting the word count
– Rework my thesis (right now it’s just not very strong and clear)
– Put more of my own thoughts into the conversation (right now it is mostly just my sources and my claims through topic sentences but I should also be one of the sources)
– Works Cited Page
– Meet with Alexa once I have reworked some of my essay to get updated comments
For the introduction, there are a few things I need to attend to. The first sentence of my intro could be fixed to have a greater impact on the rest of the paragraph and to engage the reader. I also need to include a better introduction to Turkle and Carr, as well as the technology narratives. My thesis statement is a little unclear. I need to condense my points into a concise thesis. It should be less of a “Carr and Turkle believe that…” and more of a broader statement. There are also ideas throughout that I have not included in my thesis such as the idea of a hindrance to society. In my body paragraphs, my quotes need work. I have good explanations for the quotes, but they lack reasoning. I also need to relate them to myself as if I am a third source. In my paragraph that has no quotes, I should integrate those ideas into my other ones. Basically, use sentences from that paragraph as reasoning for quotes in other paragraphs. That way, my ideas are still there but they are not just thrown into random places. The last thing I will do is make sure I introduce every quote so they are not out of place.
The first thing I will do in finalizing my essay is go through and make long, cluttered sentences less wordy. Then I will go through the comments left from peer review to change anything that they think needs to be fixed, as long as it does not completely change my essay as a whole. I need to do a full read through and make sure everything makes sense and is coherent. And that I like the flow of it. To make sure my essay is ready for submission I still need to write the conclusion to wrap it all up. I also need to go through the essay to make sure my transitions are smooth and make sense with the rest of the writing.
A couple of things I need to work on in my essay is my grammar mistakes and just make sure it flows nicely. I also need to add in transitions into my quotes. Make a good concluding sentence.
Things I need to review and work on in my essay:
Edit sentence structure, making sure everything flows
1st para, 2nd sentence, change “For myself, I”
2nd para, 1st sentence, reword
2nd para, last sentence, better transition into the next paragraph
Making sure the reader understands what “it” is referring to
Tie back to my ideas and claim
Talk more about my thoughts and claims before going into sources
Figure out if I need to quote my sources as (“___”) if I start the quote off with ___ said
Add another sentence before my thesis
Explain more about boundaries and kids
Dive deeper into quotes and unpack
Make sure my topic sentences explain what I talk about in the para
I am going to work through my essay from the top down and first concisify unnecessarily long and sprawling sentences. I will then go over the suggestions for improvements from peer review, tweaking what I can based on their suggestions but not doing anything that changes the overall arc of my essay. A complete read through to make sure all the pieces are cohesive, relevant, and flow well. Lastly, I need to come up with a conclusion to tie everything together and go back through my transitions; so they flow well and match the rest of my writing.
When working on my essay project 3, there are a few things my peers brought to my attention that I am going to focus on improving. First, I am going to work on my thesis. I am going to make it a little more clear and turn my sentences into one focused sentence. This is something that I always struggle with so I’m going to really try to keep improving my skills to make a solid thesis. The next thing I am going to do is turn one of my longer quotes into a box quote. Then I am going to take my peers’ advice and add more context about Nicholas Carr’s essay before getting into a quote from him. I’ll do this by adding why Carr’s views relate to my argument. Lastly, I will work on my conclusion. I will summarize my essay and reiterate my thesis. Using the comments my peers left me, I will make my essay the best it can be. Overall, this process will help me to improve my essay and my writing skills in the future.
In my current draft there are sections that are a bit convoluted and don’t flow well. In addition I feel that the cohesiveness of my paragraphs need work. I will begin by focusing on developing clear topic sentences for my individual paragraphs and finding quotes from sherry Turkle and my peers that work to support my overarching argument. I will work on including my peer revision suggestions into the writing and do an overall proofreading to make sure that the writing is polished and concise. One of the biggest suggestions that I got was to make my conclusion and my thesis statement communicate more to improve the strength of the essay.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 26”
For my revision on my essay, I need to work a few things such as finish my conclusion paragraph. I have made strong points throughout my essay and then I just need to wrap it up and tie it all together. The main thing I need to focus on to revise is how I word some of my sentences. Some of them tend to flow and the wording is a bit off, so I have to go back and make those stronger so it is not so unclear on what I am saying. And finally I need to just go back and spell check everything and also fix some of my grammar in some of my sentences.
I feel like my biggest thing to work on here is my word count. I still have to write a conclusion, but I am at the word limit. So, I will start by writing the conclusion, which will wrap up my essay and tie in all of my other ideas. Then, I will start to go through my essay and delete paragraphs that don’t seem necessary or say similar things to other sentences. Then, I will see if I can combine sentences with similar ideas to make them more concise and lower the word count. Then, I will go through again and focus on changing the language where I feel it isn’t saying exactly what I want, or it feels repetitive, or it just seems flat. Another thing I really need to focus on word-wise is my grammar, and how clear my message is. I will go through again and make sure the words fit together in a way that makes sense. I will also go through and make sure that my ideas are reflected everywhere they need to be, like in the introduction sentences of the body paragraphs, the thesis, and the conclusion paragraph. Lastly, I will go through and make sure that all the parts of the essay (parts of intro, parts of barclays format) are sufficient and present.
The opening of the essay should contain a clear and concise thesis stating that while technology connects us, it also isolates us. It will give readers a solid foundation in how technology impacts human relations and empathy. Citing Turkle, Carr, will need to be more thoroughly layered with explanation and illustration. Giella’s and Sanger’s essays about their lives. Through these examples should come a fairly direct application of the more theoretical claims—especially with regards to empathy—and how technology mediates emotional comprehension. It could also use transitions to make it easy to connect the paragraphs and focused paragraphs that only talk about one thing. Avoid saying the same point three or four times like technology connects and isolates people, IT has an important role. Ideas should be expressed in sentences that are as short as possible to give clarity. I need a more nuanced view here, one that recognizes the benefits of technology along with its pitfalls. A balanced analysis will give the views of Turkle and Carr along with counterarguments and limitations. Finally, personal stories need to be more closely linked to theoretical assertions in order to create a continuity of theme. Finally, final proofreading, looking at grammar and typographical mistakes to make sure the tone was also academic and all sentences were clear and concise would also improve the essay. It won’t take away from the argument having studies to support it.
I posted the wrong thing
I am going to work through my essay from the top down and first concisify unnecessarily long and sprawling sentences. I will then go over the suggestions for improvements from peer review, tweaking what I can based on their suggestions but not doing anything that changes the overall arc of my essay. A complete read through to make sure all the pieces are cohesive, relevant, and flow well. Lastly, I need to come up with a conclusion to tie everything together and go back through my transitions; so they flow well and match the rest of my writing.
I need to work on a lot on my essay.
– I need to correct all my grammar
-make a better conclusion
-make corrections
– I can’t just drop a quote
– get to 1200 words
-works cited page
In my revisions I need to:
– Work on meeting the word count
– Rework my thesis (right now it’s just not very strong and clear)
– Put more of my own thoughts into the conversation (right now it is mostly just my sources and my claims through topic sentences but I should also be one of the sources)
– Works Cited Page
– Meet with Alexa once I have reworked some of my essay to get updated comments
For the introduction, there are a few things I need to attend to. The first sentence of my intro could be fixed to have a greater impact on the rest of the paragraph and to engage the reader. I also need to include a better introduction to Turkle and Carr, as well as the technology narratives. My thesis statement is a little unclear. I need to condense my points into a concise thesis. It should be less of a “Carr and Turkle believe that…” and more of a broader statement. There are also ideas throughout that I have not included in my thesis such as the idea of a hindrance to society. In my body paragraphs, my quotes need work. I have good explanations for the quotes, but they lack reasoning. I also need to relate them to myself as if I am a third source. In my paragraph that has no quotes, I should integrate those ideas into my other ones. Basically, use sentences from that paragraph as reasoning for quotes in other paragraphs. That way, my ideas are still there but they are not just thrown into random places. The last thing I will do is make sure I introduce every quote so they are not out of place.
The first thing I will do in finalizing my essay is go through and make long, cluttered sentences less wordy. Then I will go through the comments left from peer review to change anything that they think needs to be fixed, as long as it does not completely change my essay as a whole. I need to do a full read through and make sure everything makes sense and is coherent. And that I like the flow of it. To make sure my essay is ready for submission I still need to write the conclusion to wrap it all up. I also need to go through the essay to make sure my transitions are smooth and make sense with the rest of the writing.
A couple of things I need to work on in my essay is my grammar mistakes and just make sure it flows nicely. I also need to add in transitions into my quotes. Make a good concluding sentence.
Things I need to review and work on in my essay:
Edit sentence structure, making sure everything flows
1st para, 2nd sentence, change “For myself, I”
2nd para, 1st sentence, reword
2nd para, last sentence, better transition into the next paragraph
Making sure the reader understands what “it” is referring to
Tie back to my ideas and claim
Talk more about my thoughts and claims before going into sources
Figure out if I need to quote my sources as (“___”) if I start the quote off with ___ said
Add another sentence before my thesis
Explain more about boundaries and kids
Dive deeper into quotes and unpack
Make sure my topic sentences explain what I talk about in the para
I am going to work through my essay from the top down and first concisify unnecessarily long and sprawling sentences. I will then go over the suggestions for improvements from peer review, tweaking what I can based on their suggestions but not doing anything that changes the overall arc of my essay. A complete read through to make sure all the pieces are cohesive, relevant, and flow well. Lastly, I need to come up with a conclusion to tie everything together and go back through my transitions; so they flow well and match the rest of my writing.
When working on my essay project 3, there are a few things my peers brought to my attention that I am going to focus on improving. First, I am going to work on my thesis. I am going to make it a little more clear and turn my sentences into one focused sentence. This is something that I always struggle with so I’m going to really try to keep improving my skills to make a solid thesis. The next thing I am going to do is turn one of my longer quotes into a box quote. Then I am going to take my peers’ advice and add more context about Nicholas Carr’s essay before getting into a quote from him. I’ll do this by adding why Carr’s views relate to my argument. Lastly, I will work on my conclusion. I will summarize my essay and reiterate my thesis. Using the comments my peers left me, I will make my essay the best it can be. Overall, this process will help me to improve my essay and my writing skills in the future.
In my current draft there are sections that are a bit convoluted and don’t flow well. In addition I feel that the cohesiveness of my paragraphs need work. I will begin by focusing on developing clear topic sentences for my individual paragraphs and finding quotes from sherry Turkle and my peers that work to support my overarching argument. I will work on including my peer revision suggestions into the writing and do an overall proofreading to make sure that the writing is polished and concise. One of the biggest suggestions that I got was to make my conclusion and my thesis statement communicate more to improve the strength of the essay.