In my essay, there are a few things I am going to fix that my peers gave me advice on to improve my essay. First, I am going to work on improving my thesis and topic sentences by making them more detailed and clear. I am also going to try to find a tension between Sherry Turkle and Nicholas Carr and then state my position. I think this will help to make my essay stronger. Lastly, I will make a strong conclusion paragraph that restates my thesis and main points.
So through this extensive peer review, I’ve learned that I have of dropping quotes and explaining them but not explaining the context behind them, meaning I need to find a way to explain the background to why things are coming to these conclusions.
With that, I am going to finish up my essay due to a setback that’s kinda got my mind blurred.
I am going to work on fine-tuning my work because I feel like I’m forced to dumb down and over-explain the writing in which I would like to.
I am hoping that by the end of the essay ill get some sense of accomplishment and clarity that’ll make this assignment worth doing.
After meeting with my group and discussing my essay there are many things I need to go through and fix. I need to add a conclusion, make sure I fully finish a paragraph that is in progress and make sure all quotes are introduced and explained properly. I will start by finishing the paragraph that is almost done, along with going through comments and fixing those. Or adding more where the comments suggest. Then I will move on the the lone quote I have and introduce and explain it properly to add a naysayer to my essay. I might find things along the way that I do not like anymore or need to be moved to fit somewhere else better. When I am done with the body paragraphs I will work on a conclusion and finalize my essay.
– come up with title
– introduce authors
– make sentences flow better
– go through peer edits
– add 1-2 body paragraphs
– conclusion
– update project page
– do a 2nd peer review
In my revisions, I need to work on building the framework of my essay, as I really only have my introduction and the start of a plan for my body paragraphs done. Because I only have my introduction done so far, I don’t really have a whole lot of meaningful feedback so Emily, Cassie, and I plan to meet at a later date to do a more in-depth peer review and get genuinely helpful feedback from one another. At this point, the only revisions I need to make are introducing the authors’ credibility in my introduction, adding a title, and writing the rest of my essay and works cited. The formatting is done, and from the feedback I received, my introduction was pretty solid.
In my essay there a a few things I need to work on. In my intro paragraph I need to i introduce Sherry Turkle and Nicholas Carr more, because all I did was just state who they are. If I better introduce them it will help the reader understand who they are. I also need to further my own opinions in my essay. I talk a lot about Turkle and Carr’s idea. So if I toss some of my own experiences and thoughts into it, it will flow better. I can go deeper into what I believe and whether I agree with them or not. I also need to fix up some of my simple grammar mistakes, which will make my essay way better since the little grammar mistakes I have made can really take away from a good essay. I still need to do a conclusion paragraph to wrap up my whole essay. And finally I need to do my works cited page and make sure everything is good and in MLA format.
Answer all the questions I asked
Add Turkle’s book “The Empathy Diaries”
Make sure I touch on every topic of my thesis
Rewording a few sentences
More impactful Quote from Carr
Unpack and explain the quotes more
Come up with new words so I’m not repeating them a bunch of times
Words cited page
Intertwin Turkle and Carr in more
I need to fix my thesis and make it a clear/strong point. I also need to do some grammar fixes and reword sentences to make it flow nicer. On top of these fixes, I need to make sure I have a good strong barbaric paragraph and elaborate on some of my ideas I presented. Other things that were recommended to fix were my transitions into my quotes and making sure I have a works cited page. I should add in a full conclusion paragraph rather than one concluding sentence that ties all of our ideas together. Add some specific and personal examples into some of the ideas I brought up to make it more personalized and thought inducing.
One of the most obvious things I have to work on right now is my grammar, punctuation, spacing, and other general formatting things. These are relatively easy to fix, so I won’t spend too much time on them, but they are also important, so I won’t skip this step. I also feel like I have a lot of words and phrases that I use repeatedly, so I will go through and spread them out and find new ways of saying the same thing. I will also switch around the order in my thesis so the naysayer comes first and my other idea comes after that. I will also go through both of my body paragraphs and make sure that my topic sentences connect to the ideas that I am talking about in my analysis and using quotes for. I also have to create my works cited page so that I am giving credit to the authors. In addition to that, I have to put in my in-text citations. I will also go over Barclay’s general template to make sure my work lines up with that, and also flows nicely between the different parts of the format. Lastly, I will put my essay into the MLA format and add a title.
After this class and working with some of my peers on the development of my essay it has become evident that I need to introduce a new quote that works better in tension with one of my opposing view-point. In addition, I plan to do some more context and analysis of each of my quotes. Currently, they do not have smooth transitions so I will work to ensure that they can provide the strongest argument. My essay will benefit greatly from some proof-reading as it is currently slightly convoluted with many ideas posed but a lack of flow between new concepts. I will work to develop a stronger thesis statement and relative topic statemnts that allow my essay to be more connected. I have a second meeting scheduled for tomorrow afternoon with Alexa, after our first meeting she helped me develop some ideas and ways to format the remainder of my essay tomorrow I hope to receive some feedback on the overall quality and fulfillment of the essay. My essay is coming together, adding some of these final details will allow me to feel satisfied with the work that I have completed and strengthen the essay overall.
There are a few minor things I will attend to during the revision of my essay. The first involves my thesis statement. It is a decent thesis with a lot of potential, but it is hard to identify in my introduction. It is either the wording or the location of the thesis that makes it difficult to find. I need a clear thesis in order for the reader to follow my thoughts. Other than that, I did a good job relating my body paragraphs to the thesis. Another thing I have to work on is adding longer, more meaningful quotes. I have three quotes, one of which could be more in depth and interesting. This will also make it easier to provide reasoning if it is more complex. I’m also going to focus on adding my own ideas to my writing. My essay is more of a playback of Turkle and Carr and doesn’t integrate my ideas well enough. I will add my ideas both after my reasoning for quotes and somewhere in my conclusion. The last thing I will do is add volume to my conclusion paragraph. It’s written well and projects my thesis, but it lacks some content.
To enhance my paper Im going to focus on providing more detailed explanations of the quotes I use. Each quote will be followed by a thorough analysis that ties it directly to my thesis, demonstrating how it supports my argument. This will not only strengthen the quote’s relevance but also make your argument clearer. By fine-tuning my thesis, I will ensure it clearly expresses my central argument and is more assertive in its claims. Expanding it can involve specifying the key points I will argue in the paper, giving it greater depth. Incorporating the Barkley formula will help streamline my ideas, making them easier to follow while supporting my argument. As I add more quotes, I will ensure they are integral to the points you’re making, and avoid overloading my paper with unnecessary details. Focus on trimming redundancy or overly complex phrasing to cut down the word count. By following these strategies, my paper will become more focused, stronger in argument, and easier to follow without exceeding the word limit. I will also add more to my conclusion because it doesn’t really make any sense as of right now because it doesn’t sum up my paper that well and will fix all my grammer.
13 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 19”
In my essay, there are a few things I am going to fix that my peers gave me advice on to improve my essay. First, I am going to work on improving my thesis and topic sentences by making them more detailed and clear. I am also going to try to find a tension between Sherry Turkle and Nicholas Carr and then state my position. I think this will help to make my essay stronger. Lastly, I will make a strong conclusion paragraph that restates my thesis and main points.
conclusion
paragraph 3
edit
grammer
project 2 page
peer review page
work cited
So through this extensive peer review, I’ve learned that I have of dropping quotes and explaining them but not explaining the context behind them, meaning I need to find a way to explain the background to why things are coming to these conclusions.
With that, I am going to finish up my essay due to a setback that’s kinda got my mind blurred.
I am going to work on fine-tuning my work because I feel like I’m forced to dumb down and over-explain the writing in which I would like to.
I am hoping that by the end of the essay ill get some sense of accomplishment and clarity that’ll make this assignment worth doing.
After meeting with my group and discussing my essay there are many things I need to go through and fix. I need to add a conclusion, make sure I fully finish a paragraph that is in progress and make sure all quotes are introduced and explained properly. I will start by finishing the paragraph that is almost done, along with going through comments and fixing those. Or adding more where the comments suggest. Then I will move on the the lone quote I have and introduce and explain it properly to add a naysayer to my essay. I might find things along the way that I do not like anymore or need to be moved to fit somewhere else better. When I am done with the body paragraphs I will work on a conclusion and finalize my essay.
– come up with title
– introduce authors
– make sentences flow better
– go through peer edits
– add 1-2 body paragraphs
– conclusion
– update project page
– do a 2nd peer review
In my revisions, I need to work on building the framework of my essay, as I really only have my introduction and the start of a plan for my body paragraphs done. Because I only have my introduction done so far, I don’t really have a whole lot of meaningful feedback so Emily, Cassie, and I plan to meet at a later date to do a more in-depth peer review and get genuinely helpful feedback from one another. At this point, the only revisions I need to make are introducing the authors’ credibility in my introduction, adding a title, and writing the rest of my essay and works cited. The formatting is done, and from the feedback I received, my introduction was pretty solid.
In my essay there a a few things I need to work on. In my intro paragraph I need to i introduce Sherry Turkle and Nicholas Carr more, because all I did was just state who they are. If I better introduce them it will help the reader understand who they are. I also need to further my own opinions in my essay. I talk a lot about Turkle and Carr’s idea. So if I toss some of my own experiences and thoughts into it, it will flow better. I can go deeper into what I believe and whether I agree with them or not. I also need to fix up some of my simple grammar mistakes, which will make my essay way better since the little grammar mistakes I have made can really take away from a good essay. I still need to do a conclusion paragraph to wrap up my whole essay. And finally I need to do my works cited page and make sure everything is good and in MLA format.
Answer all the questions I asked
Add Turkle’s book “The Empathy Diaries”
Make sure I touch on every topic of my thesis
Rewording a few sentences
More impactful Quote from Carr
Unpack and explain the quotes more
Come up with new words so I’m not repeating them a bunch of times
Words cited page
Intertwin Turkle and Carr in more
I need to fix my thesis and make it a clear/strong point. I also need to do some grammar fixes and reword sentences to make it flow nicer. On top of these fixes, I need to make sure I have a good strong barbaric paragraph and elaborate on some of my ideas I presented. Other things that were recommended to fix were my transitions into my quotes and making sure I have a works cited page. I should add in a full conclusion paragraph rather than one concluding sentence that ties all of our ideas together. Add some specific and personal examples into some of the ideas I brought up to make it more personalized and thought inducing.
One of the most obvious things I have to work on right now is my grammar, punctuation, spacing, and other general formatting things. These are relatively easy to fix, so I won’t spend too much time on them, but they are also important, so I won’t skip this step. I also feel like I have a lot of words and phrases that I use repeatedly, so I will go through and spread them out and find new ways of saying the same thing. I will also switch around the order in my thesis so the naysayer comes first and my other idea comes after that. I will also go through both of my body paragraphs and make sure that my topic sentences connect to the ideas that I am talking about in my analysis and using quotes for. I also have to create my works cited page so that I am giving credit to the authors. In addition to that, I have to put in my in-text citations. I will also go over Barclay’s general template to make sure my work lines up with that, and also flows nicely between the different parts of the format. Lastly, I will put my essay into the MLA format and add a title.
After this class and working with some of my peers on the development of my essay it has become evident that I need to introduce a new quote that works better in tension with one of my opposing view-point. In addition, I plan to do some more context and analysis of each of my quotes. Currently, they do not have smooth transitions so I will work to ensure that they can provide the strongest argument. My essay will benefit greatly from some proof-reading as it is currently slightly convoluted with many ideas posed but a lack of flow between new concepts. I will work to develop a stronger thesis statement and relative topic statemnts that allow my essay to be more connected. I have a second meeting scheduled for tomorrow afternoon with Alexa, after our first meeting she helped me develop some ideas and ways to format the remainder of my essay tomorrow I hope to receive some feedback on the overall quality and fulfillment of the essay. My essay is coming together, adding some of these final details will allow me to feel satisfied with the work that I have completed and strengthen the essay overall.
There are a few minor things I will attend to during the revision of my essay. The first involves my thesis statement. It is a decent thesis with a lot of potential, but it is hard to identify in my introduction. It is either the wording or the location of the thesis that makes it difficult to find. I need a clear thesis in order for the reader to follow my thoughts. Other than that, I did a good job relating my body paragraphs to the thesis. Another thing I have to work on is adding longer, more meaningful quotes. I have three quotes, one of which could be more in depth and interesting. This will also make it easier to provide reasoning if it is more complex. I’m also going to focus on adding my own ideas to my writing. My essay is more of a playback of Turkle and Carr and doesn’t integrate my ideas well enough. I will add my ideas both after my reasoning for quotes and somewhere in my conclusion. The last thing I will do is add volume to my conclusion paragraph. It’s written well and projects my thesis, but it lacks some content.
To enhance my paper Im going to focus on providing more detailed explanations of the quotes I use. Each quote will be followed by a thorough analysis that ties it directly to my thesis, demonstrating how it supports my argument. This will not only strengthen the quote’s relevance but also make your argument clearer. By fine-tuning my thesis, I will ensure it clearly expresses my central argument and is more assertive in its claims. Expanding it can involve specifying the key points I will argue in the paper, giving it greater depth. Incorporating the Barkley formula will help streamline my ideas, making them easier to follow while supporting my argument. As I add more quotes, I will ensure they are integral to the points you’re making, and avoid overloading my paper with unnecessary details. Focus on trimming redundancy or overly complex phrasing to cut down the word count. By following these strategies, my paper will become more focused, stronger in argument, and easier to follow without exceeding the word limit. I will also add more to my conclusion because it doesn’t really make any sense as of right now because it doesn’t sum up my paper that well and will fix all my grammer.