12 thoughts on “JOURNAL # 9

  1. In order to be satisfied with my piece there are a few more steps that I intend to take. My next steps for my essay development will be to incorporate a lot of the feedback from the peer revision, in addition, I’ll need to formulate a strong title that will help to draw the reader’s attention to my piece. I received some feedback based on my statement of “whole-heartedly” agreeing with Turkle’s ideas and with this, I think that I’ll need to be able to formulate some more ideas as evidence to the connection of her ideas, not necessarily a rebuttal but more of a conversation. Finally, I have an appointment to review my draft with Alexa on Wednesday afternoon. I expect this will help me to tie up any loose ends before the submission day. In this meeting, I hope to receive further feedback regarding the flow of the essay and the tone of voice as well as individual improvements around my title, thesis, conclusion, and quotations. The essay has some run-on sentences and some other small grammatical errors that I will need to use to polish up my paper before I am confident with my submission on Friday.

  2. I will be revising my essay starting by fixing some grammatical errors. Then, separating some of my paragraphs to make the essay flow better. Then I will be adding my concluding paragraph and one more quote that I want to fit in my essay. I will read over my essay to make sure each paragraph is in the order I want it to be in to make sure it makes the most sense to the reader and what I am trying to convey. I need to spend my time working my way to the word count as well. Meet with Alexa to get her feedback.

  3. Revision itinerary
    Restate my topic sentences: I started most of my paragraphs using Turkle says.. I need to start with my own words then use the sandwich method with what they say, I say.
    Grammar mistakes
    Make my sentences flow better
    Be more specific about what behaviors shifted with the use of technology
    Add another explanation sentence after one of my quotes
    Be more specific in some of my ideas that I brought up
    Fix repetitiveness of the word “young age” in one of my paragraphs
    Reword
    Fix a couple of long sentences
    Use more transition sentences
    Try to frame my quotes better
    Organize my ideas in the paragraph better
    Stronger conclusion topic sentence
    Work on my thesis statement
    Flip the order of some of my sentences
    Tie in more personal connections
    Revise my conclusion paragraph to be stronger
    Take Turkle’s name out of citing my quotes after the first one.
    Give the readers more insight on my opinions
    Leave the reader something to think about in my concluding sentence

  4. In my essay there’s a couple of things that I need to work on. One of them is my introduction. I don’t really have background information on Turkle. This is because I need to make the reader know that Turkle is a valid source and as of now I don’t have that. I just say a quick thing about her and thats it. I also have to make my thesis statement longer because as of right now I don’t really have all the information that a thesis statement needs and should have. I also have to add one more quote because in one spot there should be a quote should be because it would fit with the paragraph and would help connect the reader more with turkle. This way I can make the amount of quotes needed and also to help my essay flow better. I also have to add more of my side to it so It’s just not turkles. This way I can connect with the reader better and the reader can understand my perspective. I also have to add a little bit to my conclusion as of now Its too short and doesn’t sum up my paper well.

  5. The first thing I need to do is finish my essay. I don’t have a conclusion paragraph yet, so I need to make one. I will also work on my introduction, making it more concise and flowy. I will also work on the second paragraph, and try to organize it so the points I am making come across better. I will do that with all of my paragraphs, but the second one needs it the most. I will work on sentences that make the essay feel kind of choppy, and look for better words to use there. I will also double check that my point is coming across in each paragraph. I will make sure that my quotes connect directly to my analysis. When writing my conclusion, I will make sure it ties back to the thesis and the first paragraph (incorporating some things I said there). I will make sure my explanations of what Turkle is saying in the quotes is accurate. I will make sure I start my paragraphs with topic sentences, not just diving into setting up the quote. I will revise my thesis so it is more clear what I think and how it connects to the points I make in the other paragraphs.

  6. -Redo my thesis and make sure everything alines with what I am saying in my paragraphs
    -add a paragraph
    -check spelling
    -redo title
    -check page numbers
    -make sure I don’t have run on sentences
    -check punctionation
    -stronger opening sentence
    -do a conclusion sentence
    -find more quotes

  7. In my essay there are a few things I need to work on and revise
    Make sure everything is in the correct MLA format
    In my introduction paragraph I tended to overuse the word conversation, so I need to go back to try to fix that
    Go back to my thesis and make it a more clear sentence
    I need to make the flow of my sentences work better
    Fix some grammar mistakes
    Fix my quote citations by not having (Turkle)
    Check my spelling
    Wrap it up with a conclusion paragraph
    Fix a few long sentences

  8. In my revisions, I plan to….
    Rework my thesis to be a bit more specific
    Clarify a few of my sentences
    Create a title
    Reword a few sentences to flow better
    Paraphrase that large quote I have
    Write my final body paragraph and conclusion

  9. Journal #9
    After reviewing the comments made to my journal, I found a couple key points to work on as I revise my paper. Firstly, I found that I had multiple grammatical errors mainly concerning singular and plural words throughout my paper. So going back and taking care of those are definitely crucial to making the paper better. Secondly, although I have met the word count for my paper, I have not finished it. I still have two to three paragraphs left to write in order to be done. So, my plan is just to finish the paper how I normally would. The word count is definitely going to go over the word maximum but that’s okay. Afterwards, I will go back and condense the paper taking out sentences and phrases I don’t deem necessary. Finally and what I think is most important is establishing Sherry Turkle as a credible source. I totally forgot to do this when I wrote my first draft, and it was made apparent to me by my professor and fellow classmates. Establishing Turkle as a credible source helps the reader to understand why they should listen to her opinion and be open to her as my evidence. It’s easier to convince an audience of a informational essay if the source is someone with a doctorate from Harvard rather than someone they don’t know.

  10. In my technology essay I will be looking back at my peers’ feedback so I can focus on revising it. The first thing I am going to do is try to add more context surrounding quotes because some of my quotes were sort of thrown in. I will introduce the quotes before inserting them, and then provide a brief summary of what Turkle is saying to sum up the quote. I am also going to focus on inputting my own opinion after I summarize what Turkle said. Specifically the last two body paragraphs could use more of my personal experience. Next, I will look throughout the whole essay. I am going to try to incorporate the parts of Turkle’s text that I don’t necessarily agree with. Then I will explain why I don’t agree with those parts to back up my opinion. Lastly, I will work on tweaking small things such as grammar, transitions, and the flow of the essay until it is exactly how I want it.

  11. In my essay i need to
    Explain more about who Turkle is and why she is a reliable source.
    Develop thesis (why, how, but)
    Add another quote into paragraph 2
    Explain/Unpack quotes more
    Work on title
    Make sure I meet 1200-1500 word count
    Check spelling and grammar
    Making sure sentences are clear and not run on sent

  12. Revisions:
    Explain more about what Empathy Diaries is, so the reader can understand.
    Add/improve transitions between thoughts.
    Add more words/content
    Change the structure of my paragraphs.
    Create an interesting title
    Bring up the idea of empathy towards the beginning of the essay, not towards the end.
    Add/improve upon my quotes: some paragraphs lack quotes, and some are not explained well.

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